Play Dead 16/17 – Do, or do not. There is no “try”

Authors; azzy & erestorjunkie
Title; Play dead.
Fandom; LoTr
Rating: M
WIP; 16/17
Warnings: Language, crack, smut. Character death.
Summary; When zombie apocalypse hits Middle earth, who will they call upon to set things straight? Well the finest of the finest of warriors of course.
AN; Okay so I had this silly idea of Zombies and Elves, and since EJ jumped right onto that idea, we decided to try and write it. It’s been too long since any of us wrote a crack fic.

See the sunlight, we ain’t stopping
Keep on dancing till the world ends
If you feel it let it happen
Keep on dancing till the world ends
-B. Spears

The next day Maedhros managed to get to his feet, and travel along with the caravan. Every time they heard a rustle, a part of Maedhros’ mind hoped it wasn’t more undead, because he frankly wasn’t even sure he could take them out as it was. Badger let him hold on to his mane in a death grip, and when they had walked for some hours Badger was what kept Maedhros moving forward.

“Maddy?” Elrohir asked from the saddle, when he got no reply, he called again.

Finally Maedhros reacted, looking up at his grandson; he looked deathly pale, even his freckles that had made him look like an unruly kid, seemed gray and fading. Like life was drained out of the Fëanorian. “Is everything alright?” Maedhros asked, licking his dry lips.

“I see the tower!” Elrohir said with a huge smile, “We made it! Only a couple of hours left, and we’ll be warm and dry… imagine that!”

“Imagine that.” Maedhros said with a blissful smile, He had almost made it! He had almost gotten these elves all the way. He didn’t feel like he would ever be warm and dry again in his life. He felt contagious and cold to the bone. Elladan suddenly appeared at his side, and looked just as worried as his twin.

“Maybe you should get on the horse, Maddy. The scout said he saw a pretty large group of those undead things moving this way. And our only chance now is to outrun them.” Elladan said softly, “And honestly you don’t look like you can run.”

Maedhros nodded. “You’re a good kid.” But didn’t move to get on the horse, instead he pushed away from the horse; “You take the reins, and get your brother to safety.” He smiled a little troubled at Elladan. “Go Elladan, just go!” Maedhros started to stagger the other way, labored by the deep snow and his tired legs.

“Where are you going?” Elladan yelled after him.

“I’m going to fucking kill as many of those assholes as I can.” Maedhros said, pulling out his rifle as he walked in the opposite direction of the Quarantine zone, and towards where Elladan had said there would be a group of undead.

“But you can’t…” Elladan squared his shoulders and started to follow Maedhros in the snow, “I’m going with you then.”

“No!” Maedhros yelled, turning around to face Elladan, “You can’t, you have to take your people to the Havens.” He mellowed a little staring at Elladan who looked absolutely determined. “And Elrohir, think of him.”

“He’ll be fine.” Elladan said, stopping in front of Maedhros. “You won’t.”

“No I won’t.” Maedhros said, and took a deep breath of the crystal clear air, “I’m gonna miss the outside, I’m gonna miss your crazy ass too. Tell your dad that I’m proud of him when you see him. He raised some excellent sons. Maybe a little crazy, but Elrond was never quite right either.” He smiled genuinely at Elladan who looked confused. “I got bit; I won’t ever get into the Havens. Please Elladan, join the rest and let me do this.”

“Does Haldir know this?” Elladan asked.

Maedhros nodded, “I made him swear not to tell you.” The caravan got further and further ahead, and Maedhros looked over his shoulder, thinking he saw movement in the horizon for a moment. “Please kid, don’t make me beg, or draw my gun on you… Go! Run!”

Elladan hesitated for a moment, and then hung his head in a slow nod before he turned around and ran back to the steadily moving caravan of elves. Maedhros let out a sigh of relief and turned his back to the Havens and looked out the other way to see if he could see any of the undead. It would be fucking funny if it turned out to be those freaks from Mirkwood who had taken off before the caravan. He looked up into the air and sighed, “So this is how it’s gonna be, huh?” He swayed and fell down to his knees in the snow. He heard footsteps behind him but wasn’t alarmed, something told him he knew who it was. “You always were an asshole.” He grinned.

“Likewise.” Haldir said softly and came to a standstill next to Maedhros staring off into the horizon too. “We made it, though.”

“That we did.” Maedhros said with a tiny smile, “Too bad I never got to fuck you though, that would have made my middle-earth experience perfect.”

Haldir looked down at him with an unwanted grin and a faint blush. “Why do you have to ruin a perfectly good moment like that?”

Maedhros shrugged, “Just felt like telling you.”

“Asshole,” Haldir said with a sad smile.

“Prig,” Maedhros replied and tried to smile.

“You don’t have to do this,” Haldir pleaded. “Surely you have fulfilled any obligations you had. Whatever deal you made didn’t say you had to get eaten by the undead to full fill it.”

“I’m dead either way, Haldir,” Maedhros said wearily. “Might as well make it count for something. It’s this or eat a bullet in a couple hours.”

Haldir flinched at the harsh words.

“You know it’s true,” Maddy tried to soften his tone, “So at least let me pretend I’m useful. You get the fuck out of here and get my grandsons to the Havens.” He struggled back to his feet.

The sounds of the approaching undead were getting louder. Haldir had to make a choice. Stay and die with Maedhros or get back to the cluster of elves he was supposed to be helping. Impulsively, he grabbed Maddy and kissed him. It was not as tentative as the first time a couple days before. He pulled back and looked into the absurdly pretty green eyes and felt a lump rise in this throat, threatening to choke him. “I’ll be seeing you,” he managed to get out around what felt like a boulder, and turned to rejoin the group. He only looked back once, to see Maddy Checking his guns as the first undead shambled into sight.


Maedhros took down two undead with no trouble, the next couple of them was a little harder since he wasn’t as fast as he would have liked. As the last of the small front group of the undead lay dead Maedhros sagged down in the snow, weakly digging through his pocket he found two slugs which he armed his rifle with, he flinched as he slammed it shut. “This fucking sucks, just thought I’d let you know.” He said out into the air, not sure if Mandos was watching him, His breath hitched as he turned the muzzle on himself, his eyes fixed on the horizon where he could see a much larger group undead emerge. “I fucking hate you.” He mumbled, he closed his eyes and nestled the barrel under his chin. Maedhros took a deep breath, and started to count down from ten.

Both Elladan and Haldir flinched as they heard the last gunshot ring out.


The column of elves and horses struggled through the snow, grimly trying to stay ahead of the horde. No one dared ask Haldir about Maddy, and the twins weren’t talking either. The knowledge that he may have bought them just enough time to get to the Havens was the only thing that kept them from despair. None of them wanted his last act to be in vain.

Exhausted, wet and heartbroken, they finally found themselves at the gates to the Havens. When Haldir left, it had already been full; about to burst at the seams, not it was eerily quiet. No one acknowledged their calls and beating on the gates.

With little time left before they were overtaken by the undead pursuing them, Haldir finally gave in and found a weak spot in the gate and forced it open. The small group poured into the gap and he and twins hurried to fix the damage before they were overcome.

Inside was a mess. The streets were almost silent, small cooking fires barely seen against the gray sky, personal belongings littered the gutters, and the buildings looked at sad and bereft as the survivors felt.

The undead slammed against the gates before Haldir could think on it anymore. The makeshift barrier shuddered but held. It was the sounds of the hungry zombies that finally drew the few remaining occupants of the town out of their shelters.

It felt like it took forever to destroy the pack of ghouls that had followed them, and the sun was almost gone before the last fell into the bloody snow outside. Haldir leaned against the gate and closed his eyes.

“You made it just in time,” A familiar voice said above him. Haldir looked up to see the haggard face of the elf that had been trying to keep order in unplanned refugee city. “The last ship leaves tomorrow morning.”

“That’s great news,” Haldir tried to sound happy. “So that means they let everyone sail?”

The elf sat next to him in the trampled snow. “Such an optimist,” he said sadly as he shook his head. “First born only, friend. Everyone else got told to fuck off and figure it out themselves.” He gestured to the mess around them. “We lost at least 100 elves to the rioting and I lost count of the number of humans.” He sighed.

“But there are only a handful of us left here, waiting for the last ship. Everyone else was sent away after the first ship. Some of those creatures you just killed were probably some of them.”

Haldir felt sick. He really had hoped that these people would be allowed to go. But at least his group would be leaving. He had to swallow hard to keep from blurting out the truth. The guilt of not warning anyone about the change in the infection, the longer incubation period, was eating him up. But he had promised his people to get them to a ship, and that is what he had done. He couldn’t ruin it now .

“In the morning then.” Haldir pushed himself back to his feet. He could at least give these elves a little good news.


When Maedhros woke he woke with a jolt, and instinctively he felt his face, it was intact like it had been before he had chosen to cleave it with a shotgun. Gingerly he lifted his shirt and checked where the bite mark had been, but now there was only a faint pink scar. He looked around in the dim light realizing he was back where he started. Slowly he stood on wobbly legs, he felt like he had just run a marathon or something. he inched along the wall to the door, and banged it. “Yo assholes! Get me the hell out of this cell!”

He rested up against the wall, and waited, he heard steps and keys. He blinked against the light, as the door opened. One guard handed him a pair of cotton pants that looked mostly like pajama bottoms. Maedhros didn’t care, he just got into them, and let the guards shackle him so they could transfer him. Once out in the elevator, instead of going down they went up. Maedhros looked puzzled at the guards who wore stone faces. He wanted to know for how long he had been out, if the elves had made it to Valinor, if everything was alright, if Haldir was alright.. But he knew he would get no answer, only one guard was allowed to speak to him, and he wasn’t here. The guards hauled him along a corridor on a floor he didn’t know, and as they reached a huge iron door they undid the shackles, left the cuffs on his hand and feet, but left him with full movement. “What the?” Maedhros looked them up and down confused. It was not until the door swung up he knew why he was there. Inside the room stood five elves. “Papa!” Maedhros gasped, stepping into the room, “And you.. Eru.. It has been long..”

“Son.” Fëanor looked saddened at the sight of his eldest.

But Maedhros had no time to register that, he was more busy with hugging his brothers, and in this moment it had been worth it all, all the shit he went through to stand here. “It feels wrong.” Caranthir said pulling his brother in for another hug, “To leave you here like that.”

“Don’t think about that.” Maedhros felt his eyes sting with happy tears to see them all standing right here, like it was yesterday they last stood here together in Valinor. “I like to think I got a pretty sweet deal,” Maedhros voice broke, and he just hugged his brother again.

Fëanor grabbed Maedhros’ shoulder who reluctantly let go of his brother to face his father. Both pairs of green eyes met, Fëanor looked away and down at Maedhros’ arm stump, picking it up, stroking it strangely tenderly. Maedhros had never in his life felt more aware of his handicap as he did in this very moment. “I’m sorry papa.” Was all he could say, knowing it was his own stupidity that had gotten him caught to begin with.

“Your brothers told me that you fight as well with your left arm as you did with your right.” Fëanor said softly.

“Better,” Maedhros said timidly, even if it was the truth.

Fëanor nodded in approval. “What you did for your brothers is.. I’m proud of you.” He pulled his estranged son in for an awkward embrace.

Maedhros melted in his fathers arms, those words, he had waited for en eternity to hear them. “I love you papa.” He mumbled with a muddy tone, only letting go of his father as Fëanor held out his son studying him, but whatever he was about to say was interrupted by a loud bang on the door, indicating they should wrap it up.

Maedhros suddenly felt a terrible loss when Fëanor let go of him completely. To have his family back only to lose them again. “Write me?” He said with a cocky smile that didn’t harmonize with his sorrowful tone.

“Of course.” Amras said, hugging his brother.

The doors behind Maedhros opened and the guards came back, collecting him. “Tell the boyscout Haldir-bubblebutt that he should send me some nudes.” Maedhros said grinning.

Fëanor shook his head amused, and Caranthir howled with laughter. Curufin nodded with a dirty grin, “I will brother. I will.”

And with that Maedhros was pulled back out into the hall in silence and the doors closed, and even if it was with a heavy heart he left his family, he was smiling because he knew that they would be fine, they were free, and it was all his making. Also he had just gotten the best idea for a new tattoo, after all that wasn’t a whole lot else to do in the solitary cells of the Halls.


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