Authors; azzy & erestorjunkie
Title; Play dead.
Warnings: Language, crack, smut.
Summary; When zombie apocalypse hits Middle earth, who will they call upon to set things straight? Well the finest of the finest of warriors of course.
AN; Okay so I had this silly idea of Zombies and Elves, and since EJ jumped right onto that idea, we decided to try and write it. It’s been too long since any of us wrote a crack fic.
Strange days have found us
Strange days have tracked us down
They’re going to destroy
Our casual joys
We shall go on playing
Or find a new town
“Mandos on a fucking pogo stick!” Maedhros cheered, “Check it out! It snowed!” Most elves were still sleeping, but his outburst made some look up. “Elladan! Did you see this?” Maedhros skipped out into the small outdoor zone there was between the gates and the cave. Elladan scratched his head and slowly trotted towards the cave opening, watching as Maedhros just bend down and buried his hand in the snow.
“It’s snow, man.” Elladan yawned, “It comes roughly once a year.”
“It’s just been a while.” Maedhros grinned, “I haven’t seen snow since your dad was younger than you.” He turned swiftly and with a well-placed throw, hit Elladan square in the face with a snowball.
“Hey!” Elladan spurted, wiping the snow out of his face. “It’s not fair!”
“Why not?” Maedhros asked, and to Elladan’s frustration hit the young elf in the face once more with a snowball.
“Because…” Elladan bend over and made a snowball himself, “You only have one hand for fucks sake.” He tossed it and hit Maedhros’ chest.
“Getting your ass kicked by a cripple?” Maedhros laughed, hitting Elladan once more in the face.
“Goddammit! Stop being good at this!” Elladan yelled with a laugh, while he desperately tried to scrabble a snowball.
“Your dad sucked at it too.” Maedhros taunted, but just as he was about to throw, he was hit by a snowball on the left side of his face. Elladan laughed and Maedhros scraped snow off his face, turning to see who had thrown it. “Go figure.” He pouted as he saw Haldir’s grin. “Outmaneuvered by a fucking boy scout… how… fitting somehow.” Maedhros laughed.
“Actually.” Haldir said, “I came to fetch you.”
Maedhros assumed that he was talking about Elladan, and just turned his back to Haldir and stared off up at the trees covered in snow. “Yo Maddy, I’m talking to you!” Haldir called.
“Me?” Maedhros asked turning around, “But I thought…” He looked over at Elladan who just looked away. Maedhros smiled at Elladan as he walked inside the cave to hear what Haldir had to say.
“It’s Erestor.” Haldir whispered, “Come” He grabbed Maedhros’ arm and pulled him along until they came to a smaller cave where someone had left some sparse lighting, so Maedhros could make out someone laying on the floor. “He has…” Haldir said, “Nah you should see it for yourself.” He pushed Maedhros into the room.
Maedhros squatted next to Erestor, who looked pale and feverish. “What am I looking at?” He asked softly, brushing some strains of hair from Erestor’s face.
“At first.” Haldir said, slowly pacing the room back and forth, “First no one apparently thought much off him leaving the main cave, they thought he was sulking over something, he did seem depressed and slightly off balanced. Then a Mirkwood elf found him in here last night, having a fit. He was examined and…”
“He got the sickness?” Maedhros asked with frown.
“Yeah.” Haldir nodded, “Legolas told me that it seemed to originate from this infected wound, something like a bite mark on his neck.”
“Oh.” Maedhros sucked in his breath. “Is he sure?”
“Apparently so.” Haldir said, nodding towards Erestor and Maedhros, “On his left.”
Maedhros brushed Erestor’s hair aside and pulled down the fabric of the black robe a little, and sure enough there was a black, festering wound. For the longest time Maedhros just sat and stared at it. “Are they sure that the infection didn’t get in somewhere else, and that it just surfaced in this mark?”
“Why would you say that?” Haldir asked, stopping his pacing, looking puzzled.
“Because he already had that bite mark back in Rivendell.” Maedhros said.
“Are you sure?”
“Abso-fucking-lutely!” Maedhros admitted. “He had that bite mark when I met him. I just figured he fucked someone who was a biter.” He shrugged.
“Maybe he did…” Haldir said, seating himself on the floor at Erestor’s feet. “Remember the blond elf you shot in his bed, the one with the stellar porn collection?”
“He was Erestor’s lover.”
“Oh…” Maedhros’ lips became a fine line of worry.
“Is something wrong?” Haldir asked.
“No… No, I was just thinking.” Maedhros said with a charming smile, choosing not to tell Haldir about that Erestor took a bite out of his left side. “You know, if the infection takes this long, then anyone could be infected and not know it. He only got really sick here… Maybe he was acting a little weird halfway, but still.”
Haldir chose not to voice his thoughts, about Maddy just being pissed that Erestor didn’t want to put out. But he didn’t.
Maddy sighed and stood up. “You know what we have to do, right?” He said quietly. He really wasn’t sure how Haldir would react.
“Yeah,” Haldir answered sullenly, sitting on the ground and gently placing Erestor’s head in his lap. He started stroking the tangled black hair. “Could you. . .?” He didn’t dare meet Maddy’s eyes and braced himself for a snide remark about him being too weak or a coward. He was so startled he looked up when Maddy just said, “Sure.”
Haldir swallowed hard. “We better do it soon, before anyone else figures it out, it would cause a panic.” He knew he needed to get up and let Maddy do what needed to be done, but he sat there and kept looking at his old friend. Erestor had always been pale, but now his skin looked thin as well, dark veins showed through at his throat, cheeks and forehead. The large eyes were sunken into a face that was looking too thin.
“You know, you may have got the wrong impression of him,” Haldir mumbled. “I’m not saying he wasn’t a slut, but he was really smart, and you couldn’t ask for a more loyal friend.”
They were getting into territory that Maddy was no longer comfortable with. “I’m sure,” he said dryly. “The zombie apocalypse really hasn’t brought the best out in anyone. Except maybe you.”
Haldir opened his mouth to ask what the hell that meant, but just then the elf in his lap stirred. He froze. He really had no idea what to expect. Normally they had to die before they turned into a shambling monster, but what if. . .? He didn’t even want to finish the thought. If Erestor had died right there in his lap while he talked to Maddy, he was pretty sure he would lose what was left of his mind.
“Haldir?” Erestor’s voice sounded scratchy. “Where are we? Did we make it to Mirkwood? I thought we did, but. . . “
“Yeah, we made it. We are here with the rest of the survivors.”
“OK,” was the only response as Erestor turned his face further into Haldir’s lap. Haldir continued to stroke his hair. “I don’t feel all that good,” he mumbled into the blond elf’s leg.
“Yeah, I know.” Haldir tried hard not to choke on the words. He didn’t want to alarm Erestor. He obviously was not entirely successful because Erestor opened his eyes again and tried to sit up.
“Do I have it?” Panic was creeping into Erestor’s voice. “Am I going to turn into one of those things?” The deep wet cough returned and Erestor didn’t even look as he wiped bloody foam from his lips. “I don’t want to die, Haldir!” Claw like fingers, hot as coals grabbed his wrists. The dark, fever bright eyes were filled with tears that left faint steaks of blood on the pale cheeks. “I can’t be one of those horrible things.”
Haldir opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, but no words came out. He didn’t know if he should lie to Erestor, or break it to him now?
“No, Erestor, you are not going to turn into a zombie.” Maddy said firmly from behind the panicking elf. “You haven’t been anywhere near one for at least a whole day.”
Haldir looked at the redhead gratefully. Leave it to Maedhros to lie without saying anything actually false.
“Just lay down again, Erestor,” Haldir said. “I was just upset because you had a seizure and it scared us. You haven’t been taking very good care of yourself.” He tried to scold gently, but Erestor just sighed and coughed again as he put his head back in Haldir’s lap, this time being sure to face Maddy as well.
“Yeah, well, zombies eating all your friends make that kind of hard,” he admitted. There was silence for a moment until Erestor cleared his throat and spoke again.
“I’m sorry I said all that to you, Maddy.” He admitted sheepishly. “It really wasn’t your fault.”
“Hey, no problem, you aren’t the first to get all catty at me.” He tried to make it sound like a joke, and Erestor gave him a small wry smile as a reward.
Haldir would never know what Erestor was about to say next, because a commotion was starting outside the little cave they were in. He could hear Legolas voice above it all and he was screaming about zombies and Feanorians.
He shared a look with Maddy and moved Erestor’s head out of his lap. “I’ll go see what his problem is.” He impulsively placed a quick kiss on Erestor’s flushed cheek before he slipped out of the room. Maddy just nodded grimly to him as he passed.
“Give me a second, Erestor, I’ll be right back.” Maddy stepped away for enough that Erestor would not be able to see him, or hear him. He was going to have to do this, he stepped outside in the carved hall that lead back to the main cave, and took a deep breath. What the hell was he thinking, volunteering for this? Maedhros pulled out his rifle and cracked it open, cradling it with his arm stump, digging in his pocket for two slugs. Biting his lip as he pushed them in, trying to deny that his hand was shaking slightly. He slammed the rifle shut, leaving the safety off. Leaning his head against the wall, Maedhros closed his eyes, thinking back on all the elves that had died by his hand, it never did get easier did it? He only did this because he could see the hurt in Haldir’s eyes, Maedhros was sure that had he not been around, Haldir would have done it, but maybe it would have taken the last hint of life in the warden’s eyes. And Maedhros had to admit to himself, that he would not want that to happen. He needed Haldir to hope, to believe in this suicide mission.
Maedhros pushed off the wall and walked into the room with Erestor, rifle hidden on his back in case Erestor was still awake. “Where’s Elladan?” Erestor whispered.
“He’s fine.” Maedhros said with a little smile, “He is with Elrohir.”
“Good.” Erestor smiled weakly. “I’m glad they are together.” The coughing stopped and the elf on the floor’s breathing seemed to ease and smooth into a regular rhythm. Maedhros raised the rifle and was about to pull the trigger when the quiet voice from the pallet started again.
“You really aren’t that bad a guy, Maddy. Maybe when we get to the Havens we can try again.” The dark eyes stayed closed. “There are plenty of things I never showed you.” He tried to laugh, but it made him cough again, sending blood in a fine mist across the blanket. The disease, once it got a foot hold must progress rapidly, Maedhros noted. Good to know. Eat a bullet once the coughing starts.
“Sounds like a plan.” Maedhros said softly, biting his lip inwardly counting to ten, “Is there anything you need?” Maedhros asked, still standing close to the exit, watching Erestor on the bedroll on the middle of the cave. He stepped a little closer to be sure that he wouldn’t miss.
“No..” Erestor slurred, eyes fluttering trying to remain open. “I just need to sleep.”
“Of course.” Maedhros said, just standing there for a moment, watching Erestor. He took a step more towards the resting elf, swung the rifle around and aimed it at Erestor’s head, “I’m so sorry.” He mumbled, and before Erestor could react if he had even heard it, Maedhros pulled the trigger.
Haldir came around the corner when he heard the gunshot, he wasn’t even sure he wanted to see, but he had to make sure. He stopped in the doorway and stared at Maedhros who had undone Erestor’s rope, to place it over the dead elf as a shroud, obscuring Erestor’s head and torso.
“Do you have any special rites?” Maedhros asked with a muddled voice, running his fingers through the part of Erestor’s dark matted hair that stuck out from under the robe.
“No.” Haldir said softly, “Not that we can afford to uphold as it is.”
“You want to bury him in the ground like the Dunedain does?” Maedhros asked, turning to Haldir, getting to his feet, “Or should we leave him here in this tomb?”
“I..” Haldir dropped his gaze from the blood splattered elf before him. “I don’t know.”
“Alright, then we leave him here for now.” Maedhros said, “We should be on our way tomorrow.” He pushed past Haldir, leaving the Marchwarden with the dead elf on the floor. He just couldn’t stay in there anymore, he had to get out, had to get some air.
He noticed Elladan and Elrohir’s looks as he walked straight past them and out through the mouth of the cave. He started to pace in the snow, mumbling to himself, words not meant for anyone than Mandos. “You asked me to get these elves to safety, and I assume you asked me, because you knew I could do it. You never said I would have to like it.” He sucked in his breath, “But what if I don’t make it to the havens? You saw Erestor, and you know what he did, I feel tired and worn like nothing else, and.. And I don’t think I will make it, will you still uphold out agreement as long as the elves get to the havens? Tell me you will still release my family!”
“You!” Legolas yelled.
Maedhros stopped pacing and mumbling, and looked up at Legolas.
“You brought the infection in here! You put us all in risk,” He narrowed his eyes, “You are the risk.”
“What the hell are you talking about, Erestor didn’t touch anyone while he was here!” Maedhros argued, suddenly regretting he hadn’t loaded his rifle again after Erestor.
“You don’t know how it travels, it could be airborne, we have children here.. ” Legolas raved, “I want you to take your Noldo elves, and I want you gone!”
“We will -all- leave in the morning.” Elladan cut in behind Legolas. Elrohir stood at his side, “Both Mirkwood and Rivendell elves, we can’t stay here any longer Legolas, we will starve.”
“You too?” Legolas gasped, “I knew letting those elves in was a bad idea, Fëanorian blood! Bad blood!”
“Technically” Elrohir said with a frown, “I am every bit as Fëanorian as my brother.”
“And technically none of them are Fëanorian, since I have no children, and Celebrimbor that poor kid, he died childless too.” He stared at Legolas and the twins, “Elrond was my prisoner of war. The fact that the stupid kids grew on me is a different story. And you all have the father of the apocalypse, Maglor – to thank for that. Just sayin’.”
“He doesn’t have to spring from your toxic loins to have been brainwashed by you!” Legolas argued, raising his rifle at Elrohir.
“What the fuck are you doing man?” Elladan yelled, pulling his twin behind him.
“Don’t be a fucking idiot Legolas.” Maedhros said, slowly pulling out his rifle, he didn’t reckon that he would have time to load it, but Legolas didn’t know it wasn’t loaded. “Listen to yourself. Sodding crazy talk.”
Legolas didn’t take his eyes off the twins, “To believe that I didn’t see the snake at my bosom, the Valar indeed have a sense of humor.”
Elrohir angrily pushed Elladan’s hold off him and stepped out to the side, and stared directly at Legolas, “The elves of Mirkwood followed you here because you are their prince, and because they thought that you would save them. But they have seen nothing but death and hunger.” His voice rose to yelling, “They are fucking dying, and not from the infection, but from everything else! Wake up and look around! Maedhros’ plan is fuck-all, but sure as shit better than sitting around waiting for death!”
Haldir stepped out into the small outdoor area, looking confused back and forth between the elves, his eyes locked with Maedhros’ who just shook his head. “What the hell are you doing Legolas?” Haldir asked.
“Something I should have done a long time ago.” Legolas mumbled.
“Don’t.” Maedhros said behind Legolas, but he was seconds late, because Legolas got a shot off. Haldir just stood and stared as the scene unfolded, Elrohir went down, Elladan with him, cursing from the top of his lungs. Legolas aiming once more, but was cut off by Maedhros hitting him square in the temple with the hilt of the rifle.
It was not until Haldir heard a sickening cracking sound that he was shaken from his trance. Jolting into action, he sprinted over and wrapped his arms around Maedhros’ torso, pulling him off Legolas’ corpse. “He is dead, man.. Relax.. Breathe Maddy, breathe..”
Maedhros let out a shuddering breath that sounded close to a sob. “I’m good.. He panted. But Elrohir.. ”
“He is gonna be fine.” Yelled Elladan slightly panicky, “He only hit him in the shoulder. But we need to get him patched up, fast!”
“You do that.” Maedhros sighed, placing a bloody hand on top of the death grip Haldir still held on his torso. “Honestly Haldir, you can let go now.”
Haldir gingerly let go of Maedhros, he looked down at Legolas’ dead body in the snow, his head caved in completely. “Oh Eru.” He sighed.
“He was an asshole.” Maedhros stated, “And he shot my grandson, no one shoots my family.”
“I see that.” Haldir said, looking over at Elladan who hauled Elrohir back in the cave. “I’ll cover him up so the others won’t freak too much.”
Maedhros nodded, “Haldir?” He asked with a strangely timid tone, and then regretted what he was about to say. “We should get out of here, today.”
“I agree.” Haldir nodded, studying Maedhros, he looked tired and worn, but who wouldn’t in his shoes? Haldir didn’t feel too energetic himself, he would kill for a decent night’s sleep. “Go wash some of that stuff off you, and I’ll prep the elves.”
“Thanks.” Maedhros shot Haldir a boyish smile, before he too slowly made his way back into the cave.