Play dead 12/? – Good, bad. I’m the guy with the gun

Authors; azzy & erestorjunkie
Title; Play dead.
Fandom; LoTr
Rating: M
WIP; 12/?
Warnings: Language, crack, smut.
Summary; When zombie apocalypse hits Middle earth, who will they call upon to set things straight? Well the finest of the finest of warriors of course.
AN; Okay so I had this silly idea of Zombies and Elves, and since EJ jumped right onto that idea, we decided to try and write it. It’s been too long since any of us wrote a crack fic.

We’ve got a reason to be holding on
And tomorrow has become today, become today
And we’ll fight fire with fire
Fire with fire
Fire with fire
-scissor sisters
Haldir really wasn’t sure what he expected inside the makeshift compound, but this wasn’t it. There couldn’t have been a dozen elves huddled in small groups, wary, glassy eyes following the newcomers as they filtered in to the small space. Some seemed to attempt to muster some energy hoping to see friends or loved ones, but as soon as they realized these were not Mirkwood elves, they returned to their stupor. None of them looked to be in any better shape than the new comers.
Haldir couldn’t help it; he began scanning the lean hunted faces for his husband, or even that wretched excuse for an elf he ran off with. He saw neither in his brief survey.
As soon as the last Imladris elf made it through the gates, the heavy makeshift barrier was closed again. The air here was not pleasant, the smell of unwashed bodies, smoke and fear made it hard to breath. There was hardly enough light to see by, and Haldir wanted to move on from here as soon as possible, but Erestor was too sick to travel yet, just this afternoon the older elf had added a wet sounding cough to his list of ailments. Haldir really wished he had more skill as a healer, but as it was, he had no idea what was wrong with his old friend. His last hope was Elrohir.
As if thinking about Erestor triggered it; the hacking and wheezing started again from near the gate. Haldir could not see Erestor, but he can clearly hear it.
Already beside himself with anger at Elrohir for opening the gate, Legolas now had a new target. Haldir was shocked to see the bone thin frame of the once handsome elf launch himself in the direction of the sick elf. He was too far and separated by too many bodies to get to him before the prince did, but at the last moment Maddy stepped between the two.
“You ass!” the prince screamed to no one in particular. “You have let in disease!” He tried to push around Maddy, shouting almost incoherently. The tall Feanorian simply grabbed Legolas by the long blond hair at the back of his head and held him back. “You,” he nodded toward Elrohir, “Come get your boyfriend before I toss him in a hole.”
It wasn’t all out chaos, the pitiful group of elves was too worn down for that, but it was a constrained kind of panic. Everyone seemed to move at once but without any direct intent. The only thing it accomplished was it prevented Haldir from making his way back to the gate.
Elrohir left his brother’s side to try to keep the stranger from doing anything rash. Behind him, he heard Elladan shout, “Maddy, calm down!”
The noise level in the cave began to rise as excitement spread. This was something they could understand, a good old fashioned argument. Elrohir had reached Legolas and wrapped his arms around his distraught lover, trying to pull him back. His bleached blond hair tangled in his face.
Only after Elrohir had a good hold on the ranting elf, did Maddy let go of the elf. Before he pulled his arm back, Legolas froze, staring at the redhead’s arm, then collapsed. Elrohir was not expecting the sudden dead weight, and both went down to the cave floor in a tangle of limbs. Now it was chaos.

Haldir found out that there was more to the cave then the room they could see from the gate, but not much. Elrohir told him that there was two dozen survivors before the ragged little party from Imladris had showed up.
“Melpomaen is here,” Elrohir said hesitantly as he pulled a filthy blanket over Legolas after they had taken him to a quieter corner of the cave. Elladan was doing the same with Erestor as far from the unstable prince as possible given the cramped quarters.
Haldir tried to act casual, but Elrohir knew too much of the story to buy it and quickly apologized for bringing it up.
“So, what’s his deal?” Haldir cleared his throat and made a pathetic attempt to change the subject. “He was always a little strange, but this is new,” he indicated Legolas where he lay, still quiet.
“Legolas?” Elrohir asked with a sigh. “Before or after his dad tried to eat him?”
Haldir rose a brow, “Well he faced down a fucking Balrog, I’m sure he could manage a little zombie, family or not.”
Elrohir shrugged, “Apparently not.” He guided Haldir away from Legolas, “And well I sorta suspect it runs in the family.”
“Madness?”
Elrohir smiled a little weak smile. “Breaking under pressure..” He said, knowing they both were thinking the same, but he chose to be more diplomatic about it. “It’s just crazy shit, like the Fëanorians are back to reclaim middle earth and you know.. crazy talk.”
Haldir just nodded, and wasn’t about to tell Elrohir how close he was to the truth. Well the truth about the Fëanorians at least, maybe not about the world dominion. He looked over at Maddy who sat in a corner, winching as a elven lady tried to stitch him up. Amazing that he would be such a cry baby, or maybe it was for show, you just never knew with that elf.
~*~
“So.” Maedhros said trying to make polite conversation with the elf that stitched him up. “That crazy fella, is that your lord?”
“Prince.” The lady corrected him.
“Right..” Maedhros smacked his lips.. “Prince.”
“He says the Fëanorians are coming, and they are going to reclaim Middle earth with blood.” The lady said, “He saved us all from their wrath.”
“Really?” Maedhros asked mildly amused, “What are those Fëanorians so pissed about anyway?”
“The curse of course!” The lady said, “They are going to cleanse the world of all elves and man, so they can find the last gem.”
“Oh that, yeah.” Maedhros chuckled.
“So we will wait here, pray to Elbereth, and the cursed ones wont find us.” the lady said in a tired tone, finishing the last stitch on Maedhros. She smiled at him and whispered, “Because you see, the gem isn’t here.”
“You don’t say.” Maedhros grinned. He turned his arm, testing how the stitches pulled. “Thank you.”
“Maddy.” Haldir said as he walked towards him, twins in tow. “We need to have a pow-wow.”
“Yeah I reckoned we did.” Maedhros sighed. “What now?”
Haldir looked over his shoulder and sat down, so did the twins. “Legolas has apparently lost his marbles completely.” He rubbed his face with grimy hands. “He thinks that the Fëanorians are coming, and have ordered what is left of his people to hide here and wait it out.”
“I know.” Maedhros said with a tired sigh. “The Valar have a really fucked up sense of humor. Just sayin’.”
Elladan sighed as well and sat down, pulling Elrohir with him. He looked at his twin. “I know you love Legolas, but I am counting on you to be my brother. Because this is really important shit.” He cleared his throat. “We are here to take you all to the Grey Havens to be evacuated, because the Valar wish it so.”
“The Grey Havens?”
“Yes.” Haldir said, “They are calling us all home, and I don’t know why you haven’t heard the call of the sea..”
Elladan studied his brother intensely. “Or maybe you have, and you ignored it.”
Elrohir looked down in his lap and twisted his hands nervously. “Maybe I did.. maybe we all did.. But Legolas said..”
“Fuck that.” Haldir argued, “We need your help, if we are to get the Mirkwood elves to safety. And for that we have to travel to the Grey Havens.”
Elrohir nodded, “We won’t last much longer here, there isn’t any food left and he won’t let anyone leave. And those who managed, haven’t come back.”
“We have a deal then? ” Haldir asked holding out his hand to Elrohir.
“Yes.” Elrohir shook Haldir’s hand to seal the deal.
The conversation was interrupted by a commotion in the back, and before anyone knew what went on, Legolas was standing in front of them again, this time aiming an rifle directly at Maedhros, Legolas eyes aflame with righteous cause. “You!”
“Me?” Maedhros asked with a little grin.
Haldir wondered how long it would take to get out his own gun, what the hell Maddy thought he would get out of pissing off the crazy prince.
“I can’t believe you managed to trick your way in here!” Legolas yelled “I knew better than to let any Noldorin elves in here!”
“Come on.” Elrohir tried, but was met with ice cold silence.
Haldir finally stood up, placing himself between Legolas and Maedhros. “Don’t do anything you’ll regret Legolas.”
“I need to rid the world of this vermin.” Legolas yelled, attracting the attention of all other elves in the caves.
“I take it you think that Maedhros is here to harm you?” Haldir said, “I am telling you that we came here, Maedhros and I. To take you to safety in the Grey Havens. You have -all- heard the call of the sea, and if you ask yourself then you know that I am telling you the truth, the Valar have called us home.”
“Valar be praised!” An elf hollered from the back.
“Shut up!” Legolas raged. “It’s a trick, the Fëanorian have twisted your mind, and now he will try and twist ours, we will not open the gates for the undead hordes.”
Maedhros chuckled a little, “No one asked you to. Because that would be a fucking stupid thing to do, wouldn’t it?”
“Silence!” Legolas roared. “Stand up! Spawn of Fëanor, cursed snake!”
Maedhros rose a brow, but stood to his feet none the less, he had to admit to himself he felt slightly light-headed as he rose, but ignored it. “Look..” He sighed, “There is no need for all this doom-talk, it’s true, we are here to get you safely to the Havens and to Valinor.” He paused and looked at the miserable audience he had, “How many of you have ever seen Valinor? It is the most beautiful place, towers with silver roofs, and..” He looked directly at Legolas, “Elves are not meant to live underground, mate.”
Legolas seemed to think about it, and then wet his lips, still aiming directly at Maedrhos’ head.
“Does it matter why this plague is here? The question is if you want to live or not. If you want to die, fine – Stay here in this hole till you start eating each other too, because you will eventually when you run out of food, and grow mad with hunger. Or maybe you die from polluted water first? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I promised the Valar that I would round up all elves still left here on Middle earth and guide them to the quarantine zone in the Havens, and get you on a boat. I do however have no problem with leaving without you, if you insist on staying here to die.” Maedhros stopped talking and looked out over the elves around him.
Haldir stood against the cave wall and smiled, no wonder Maddy was once high king of the Noldor, he had charisma and was damn good at turning the situation around. Haldir pushed off the wall. “We’ll leave the day after tomorrow, we need to make some preparations first, and those who want to come are free to join us.”
Legolas stood and stared at Maedhros for a long moment before he lowered his rifle. “very well, snake.” He said, “Tend to your wounds, sleep and be gone.” He turned to Elrohir, “And that is only because your brother is amongst them.”
“Thank you.” Elrohir said with a smile, squeezing Elladan’s hand.
~*~
The sweet and almost peaceful moment was ruined when a voice behind Haldir made him freeze like a rabbit. “Haldir?” He sounded almost scared.
“They said you brought a group in from Imladris,” Haldir turned and couldn’t decide if he was happy or angry. It was Melpomaen. His husband was standing in front of him, alive and almost well.
He didn’t know what to do. For so many years Haldir had believed that he would be emotional if he ever saw Melpomaen again, but he felt strangely empty. While searching the wreckage of the Mirkwood settlement, he had battled with the mixed emotions of what he would do if he found his husband’s body, now he stood only feet from him, dirty, too thin, but undeniably alive.
“I see you are well,” his voice sounded strange even to himself. “I assume Bob is here with you,” Haldir felt something perversely akin to pleasure at the wince he saw. Was that guilt? Remorse?
“That wasn’t his name and you know it,” Melpomaen’s voice was shrill, and Haldir almost felt bad.
“I really don’t care what his name is, you twat,” the cruel words were out before he thought, he had just caught the “wasn’t”. The genuine pain in the eyes of the elf before him made him feel like a monster.
“Did you say wasn’t?” Guilt colored Haldir’s voice. “Did he not make it here with you?”
“Apparently you don’t care!” Melpomaen balled his hands into fists and. “Don’t act like you do. I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to come talk to you.” He turned to flee back into the cave as Haldir mumbled “me either,” quietly.
“Well, wasn’t that the heart-warming scene of the year,” Maddy said from behind the group of stunned elves. “I am sure that it will make a great ballad someday, but I think we have a bigger problem.”
The elleth that stitched the redhead’s arm stood wild eyed next to him.
“The sick elf you brought in,” she squeaked out, “He is worse.”
Haldir didn’t wait for an explanation; he had not noticed that the sounds of coughing had quieted while he dealt with Legolas and Maddy.

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