Play dead 11/? – Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

Authors; azzy  & erestorjunkie
Title; Play dead.
Fandom; LoTr
Rating: M
WIP; 11/?
Warnings: Language, crack, smut.
Summary; When zombie apocalypse hits Middle earth, who will they call upon to set things straight? Well the finest of the finest of warriors of course.
AN; Okay so I had this silly idea of Zombies and Elves, and since EJ jumped right onto that idea, we decided to try and write it. It’s been too long since any of us wrote a crack fic.

<i>Well sit right down my evil son
And let me tell you a story
About the boy who fell from glory
And how he was a wicked son

This ain’t no holiday
But it always turns out this way
Here I am, with my hand


The sun seemed brighter than normal, and it made his eyes water.  Erestor wiped at his face for what felt like the thousandth time that morning.  Haldir had already asked him multiple times what was wrong, assuming the older elf was crying, but he had finally stopped answering.  Not only was he in no mood to have Haldir babying him, his throat hurt too much to talk.  It hurt too much to swallow really.

Another stab of light made the dark haired elf finally give up and close his eyes. His head ached and the side of his throat itched and ached unbearably.  It seemed to be about where that damn love bite from Glorfindel was.  He still didn’t understand why that damn this hadn’t healed.

He could hear Haldir and Maddy arguing somewhere behind him.  The wolf had bitten the red-haired elf rather badly and the site of the already mutilated arm, now bleeding, made him feel nauseated.  Everything made him feel nauseated.  The movement of the horse under him and the sounds of the agitated elves around him, the memory of the food he left lying on the ground at the camp after he had quarreled with Maddy.

Why had he argued with Maddy?  He almost couldn’t remember. The absurdly pretty Fëanorian had just finally pushed him past his limits.  He remembered the moss green eyes as they fluttered closed in passion, those perfect coral lips parted while he panted.  The long red hair tangled around his fingers and Maddy’s perfect long white throat was there, so close to his teeth.  The skin so soft, parting under his sharp white teeth, tearing as the hot red blood flowed is fountains across Erestor’s face.

Erestor woke with a jerk so violent he almost fell from his mount.  The pain in his head and stomach now so fierce he could hardly manage to get down without embarrassing himself.  The patient elven beast simply stood docilely by as he fell to his knees at the side of the road, retching and heaving, even though his stomach was empty.

He felt a cool hand on his brow, and then felt his hair pulled back away from his now sweaty face.

“You are burning up,” It was Maedhros’ voice, not Haldir as he expected and the revelation jarred him into almost falling face first in the brush.  He tried to push the offensive elf away, but the memory of the dream made his stomach rebel again and he ended up curled up, arms wrapped around his middle.

“If you are going to be an ass about it, you can just sit there in the dirt for all I care,” Maddy huffed in annoyance and moved away, but now it was Haldir next to him.  Poor sweet Haldir, stroking his hair and trying to give him a drink of water. Foolish Haldir, so close he could almost taste the hot skin and hotter blood beneath.

The thought made him retch again and the world began to spin in an alarming way.  The trees became a swirl of green and gold with streaks of blue.

Erestor didn’t remember getting back on his horse, and was surprised to find Haldir behind him, holding him tight.  The dark trees of Mirkwood loomed in front of them.  The sun was just starting to set making the already dark forest look even darker.  He shivered, whether from the fever of from the poorly hidden evil that lurked in the once beautiful forest.

“You awake,” Haldir asked, worry evident in his voice.  “You scared us back there.”

“I am fine, Haldir,” Erestor said in a hoarse voice.  “I will feel better once we are somewhere safer than out on the open road.”  He tried to sound firm, but it sounded whiney even to him.

“You have a fever, Erestor,” Haldir said quietly.  It felt like something that should be a secret, even though Maddy had already announced it to the entire group.  Haldir wasn’t even sure why he felt the need to keep it to himself.

“Nothing more than too much excitement, I am certain,” Erestor insisted, but refused to say more as they passed under the first trees that marked the boarder of Mirkwood.  He wasn’t the only one who got quiet.  The entire group had gone silent.  Many had never been to Mirkwood or the Greenwood before the darkness befell the once beautiful forest.  All they knew were the stories of the giant spiders that ate their prey alive, wrapped in silk threads stronger than any steel.

At the rear of the small party of survivors Maddy and Elladan watched cautiously as they entered the gloomy woods.  “What a charming place,” Maddy said dryly and he tried to readjust himself in the saddle in front of Elladan. The pain in his arm was increasing and he was ready to be off the road.  He needed to look at the wounds on his arm from the wolf and frankly his butt was sore from riding so long.  It had been millennia since he had even ridden a horse, much less ridden that far.

Badger snorted and stamped his feet under him as if reading the elf’s mind.

“The trail leads to the right,” Elladan observed as he slide off Badger’s back and walked to the front of the ragged line.  “It has also been used recently; we need to be more cautious, though it doesn’t look like revenants.”

They continued at a cautious pace until all light was gone.  They were all certain that the sun had not set yet, but Mirkwood seemed to eat the light like the remembered spiders once did the unwary.

No fire was lit; the dangers of the forest were too unknown to the band of refugees to risk it.  The little group huddled up in a clump just off the road and settled in for a miserable night of cold and hunger.  Not enough food remained even for a cold meal.

Erestor lay shivering miserably with Haldir holding him close as the thin frame shook.  His pale face flushed and sweating.

“I don’t know what to do for him,” Elladan admitted.  “My healing skills are limited, I did not inherit father’s gift.”

“But I know enough to have look at your . . uhm . . .arm,” Elladan stumbled over what to call the mutilated limb.

“I think you mean stump,” Maedhros muttered with more bitterness than he thought he even felt.  “Don’t worry, cupcake, I am aware I don’t have a hand anymore.”

Elladan blushed darkly and was grateful for the covering darkness.  “If you let me look at the bites, I will tell you more about Melpomaen,” He tried to bribe to prickly elf.

“You better have some juicy shit, pumpkin,” Maddy snarled, but lay his battered arm in his grandson’s lap anyway.  “Start talking.  I need all the gory details.”


Elladan peeled away the fabric that Maedhros had wrapped around his armstump as a makeshift bandage, “He got you good huh?”

“Tell me about it.” Maedhros replied sourly. He turned his head and looked down at his mangled arm. “Good thing my brothers and dad didn’t see that one, I would never have heard the end of it.”

“I admit it wasn’t very pretty.” Elladan chuckled, slowly washing the blood away from the deep bites. “But you’ll be fine, good thing Haldir saved you.”

“Yeah.” Maedhros looked from his arm over at Haldir who was hovering over Erestor, “Maybe, just maybe.” He mumbled, “He isn’t as big an asshole as I thought.”

“There I cleaned it as much as I can with what I got here.” Elladan started to wrap Maedhros’ arm in the same dirty bandage again. “I’m sorry but we have to make it to Mirkwood and have this taken care of proper.”

Maedhros nodded. “Thanks, kid.” He looked down at his arm, wrapped in dirty bloody bandages. “Hey Elladan?” He called as his grandson got to his feet and was on his way back to the fire.

“Yes?” Elladan turned and looked at Maedhros.

“I was thinking.. Maybe it would be best if you took the lead when we find the natives here.”

Elladan frowned, “Why?”

“Because of your twin.” Maedhros said, dancing over the issue of his own issues with the gray elves. “They are more likely to let us in if we can establish a emotional reason for them to help us.”

Elladan nodded, that made sense. “Alright. I’ll talk to them.”

“Remember you have wounded in need of aid, and we have to get in there. We won’t make it to the gray havens like this.” Maedhros said with a grave expression, he knew he was right. But he wasn’t sure if he talked about himself or the other elves. He felt weak and tired like he hadn’t since forever.. since right before he gave up his life.


It was a miracle that they made it to the gates of the elven city in Mirkwood, but as they walked through the open gates, none of them could quite grasp what had gone down. Everything was ruined and in disarray, the living dead had gotten here before them. They had gotten past the defense of spiders that had kept Mirkwood safe from other foes, and almost had claimed the small party of surviving Rivendell elves too. Maedhros looked down at Haldir as he scanned the markets place, he knew that look, he knew that Haldir was looking for his husband somewhere in the remaining dead bodies that remained dead. Winching Maedhros got off Badger’s back, and to Haldir’s surprise he came over and put am arm around Haldir’s shoulders. “Don’t.” Maedhros said in a near whisper. “Maybe he’s not here, maybe they fled.”

Haldir nodded, allowing the consoling arm around him. “I hope you’re right.” He looked up at the talan’s high above ground. “But where would they go?”

Maedhros shrugged. “Up.” He suggested.

Haldir nodded, “But.. Thing is..” He took a deep breath, “Mel was never a warrior.. How could he have survived this? There is just no..”

“Maybe he got lucky?” Maedhros said softly. “Let’s go look for survivors before we check the dead, okay?”

Haldir turned his head slightly and looked at Maedhros at his side, “Assuming there -are- any survivors.”

“Assuming there is, yes.” Maedhros nodded with a grim expression on his face. “There are bound to be, from what I heard from Elladan, these elves have fought off the wildlife since they settled here, and so there is a chance that they are decent warriors. Yes?”

“True.” Haldir smiled a little bloodless smile.

“Get some of the other elves to help you search up there.” Maedhros gestured up towards the talans with his mangled stump. “My climbing days are over, but I’ll stay here and look after Erestor.” He squeezed Haldir’s shoulder. “Believe me, they are frightened and they need to feel like they are -doing- something, it’s good for morale.”

“Alright.” Haldir sighed, “But you promise me to yell if anything weird happens.”

“Weirder than the dead walking?”

“You got a point.” Haldir admitted with a little grin, “But you know what I mean.” Moving out of Maedhros’ hold, he looked directly at the other elf’s pale face. “I know we aren’t exactly friends. But we can trust each other, right?”

“Right.” Maedhros said, biting back every funny remark he might have had, he could tell from Haldir’s expression that now was not the time to joke about shit. And Maddy admitted to himself that he should cut the boyscout a little slack, because after all he knew everything about searching the battlefield for the only one you prayed would not be there. An unwelcome image of Fingon’s mangled body surfaced and gave him a chill down his spine. “Get going, I’d rather not be stuck here when it gets dark. This place is fucking creepy as it is.”

Haldir left to round up any able bodied elf to search the Mirkwood city for survivors. Maedhros turned around and looked at Erestor who looked like he slept. And with a sigh he sat down next to him, “Leave it to my brother to doom all living.” He sighed, “It’s hard to believe that he should have unleashed this. But I suppose it’s true.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Erestor croaked, licking his dry lips.

“Just making polite conversation.” Maedhros sulked, and with a sigh resigned to stare off into the air in silence.


Finally Haldir and the other elves slowly began to come back from their search high above. They had not found a single soul alive, some had seen some terrible things, half eaten elflings, and entrails dangling over railings as the walking dead had left them in a hurry.

“So?” Maedhros asked with a tiny hopeful smile.

“Nothing..” Haldir sighed. “Nor dead or alive.” He turned and gazed off into the dense forest. “Does that mean he is staggering around out there somewhere?”

“I don’t know.” Maedhros admitted as he stood to his feet. “Let’s not assume the worst, okay? Maybe the survivors found somewhere else to hide.” Maedhros called over Elladan, “Hey kiddo, you know Mirkwood pretty well, right?”

Elladan nodded slightly confused. “I do.”

“Do you know if there is something like a cave or a second clearing against rocks or something like that, somewhere where these elves would go if threatened?”

Elladan looked thoughtful in a moment. “Yes. There are some caves not too far from here.. they could go there.”

“Excellent!” Maedhros cheered, “Lead on son.” He bowed lightly letting Elladan take the lead of the remains of his people.


Elladan led them all to the caves without any incidents, and in the dying rays of the sun, they saw a tall fence with barbed wire with fleshy stuff hanging from it. “I’d say it’s a pretty safe assumption that they are here.” Maedhros whispered to Haldir. “Love the decor everyone seems to have developed a taste for in Middle earth.” He laughed.

Haldir didn’t look amused, but he didn’t fail to see the bizarre humor in it. “Now we just have to trust that Elladan can get them to let us in.”

Maedhros’ smile widened, “He’s related to me! – Kinda..” He shrugged, “He’ll get us in if his dad taught him anything about diplomacy. Elrond wrapped Maglor around his finger..” His words dissappeard into nothing, and he took a deep breath. “Plus if his twin is alive he’ll let us in. You’d let your brothers in, so would I. Why should Elladan’s brother be different?”

“True.” Haldir said with a thoughtful nod. “Just a decade ago you would never see one twin without the other. Even their hair and clothes were mirror images.”

“I expect there is a -but- in there somewhere.” Maedhros said.

“There is.” Haldir admitted, “Legolas happened.”

“Who’s Legolas?” Maedhros asked.

“King Oropher’s son.”

“Ah.. A gray elf prince.. Yeah that would complicate shit pretty fast.” Maedhros chuckled.

“Anyway, I’m sure they are still as close as any brothers, so I wouldn’t worry about it.” Haldir said with a little smile.

“Sweet.” Maedhros nodded.


Elladan looked up at the makeshift gate with deep sigh, “Legolas!” He called, “Are there anyone in there?”

Legolas came into sight on top of the gate. “What do you want?” He yelled.

“I came to seek refuge.” Elladan said, “For the survivors of Rivendell. We have suffered great losses and have many injured. We just want to rest up for a couple of days before we continue to the Grey Havens.”

“The Grey Havens? Are you shitting me?” Legolas laughed. “You wont ever make it there with that sorry bunch.”

Elladan flushed red with anger. “Where’s my brother?”


“So he’s alive?” Elladan asked unable to keep the hopeful tone out of his voice.

“Very much so.” Legolas said.

“Cut the shit Legolas.” Elladan yelled. “Are you gonna let us in or what?”

Haldir pinched the bridge of his nose, and Maedhros had to stifle a laugh.

“No.” Legolas said, “We barely have enough for our selves.. You just have to push on to the Havens Elladan.”

“Fuck off. I want to talk to my brother.” Elladan yelled.

“Elladan!” Someone yelled from behind the gate. “Open the motherfucking gate! Now!”

“Don’t you fucking dare!” Legolas yelled from atop the gate.

“I said open the..” Elrohir barked from behind the gate, and then the gate slowly opened, revealing Elrohir, no longer the mirror image of Elladan. None the less the twins fell into each others arms.

Legolas grumbled something and finally jumped from from atop the gate. He strolled straight to the twins, “If we let them in then…”

“These are my people, my family.. Legolas surely you can’t deny them the aid they need.” Elrohir argued hotly. He looked out over the rugged and rather small group of Rivendell elves there was left. “Where’s my dad? Where’s Glorfindel?” He looked at Elladan, “Where’s Erestor?”

“Erestor is in the back, badly hurt.” Elladan admitted, “Glorfindel and father is a longer story.”

“Oh.” Elrohir wet his lips. “Lets get everyone inside before it’s dark.”

Legolas looked up and down Elladan, “If anyone is infected I will shoot them where they stand.”

Elladan just stared back at Legolas, “Let’s worry about that if it should happen.”



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