Authors; azzy & erestorjunkie
Title; Play dead.
Warnings: Language, crack, smut.
Summary; When zombie apocalypse hits Middle earth, who will they call upon to set things straight? Well the finest of the finest of warriors of course.
AN; Okay so I had this silly idea of Zombies and Elves, and since EJ jumped right onto that idea, we decided to try and write it. It’s been too long since any of us wrote a crack fic.
Chapter 10 – I am Maddy’s comeplete lack of surprise.
Fucked the Oak Ridge Boys
Fucked Randy Travis with a 12-inch plastic toy
I fucked the cast of Hee-Haw
I fucked Glen Campbell, fucked him on a see-saw
Kenny Rogers thought it crass
When I fucked his big white ass
I can’t help it….
The rest of the day was relatively uneventful. Haldir stayed close to Erestor, the elf’s behavior was becoming more and more erratic as the day went on. At first, he attributed it to being upset about the quarrel with Maddy, but the more Haldir thought about it, the more he realized that the argument itself had been out of character for the normally calm elf. Something was wrong.
“Erestor,” Haldir asked quietly once the other elf had lapsed from manic fidgeting and almost nonstop chattering to a near catatonic silence. “Are you feeling ok?” The high color in the doll like face had faded and left the dark haired elf looking slightly gray.
“Sure,” Erestor said quietly. “Just a little tired. I have not been sleeping well,” he said with an ironic smile. “I guess the fresh air does not agree with me.”
The faint quirk of the red lips and slow blink of large jade eyes reassured Haldir, this was much more like the Erestor he was used to. “We will be to Mirkwood soon,” Haldir said with a hint of amusement in his voice. “Can’t have you getting too much fresh air.” He gave his old friend a wink and was cheered to see a genuine smile in return.
Maddy watched the exchange at the front of the column with a sour feeling in the pit of his stomach. He and Elladan rode at the rear of the meandering column and could see everyone as they trudged toward Mirkwood. Haldir was just too much. Here he was chatting up Erestor while his new lover rode at the back of the line.
Maddy would be the first to admit that he had a problem with filtering what he should say, but even he knew he would regret what came out of his mouth next. “You know he wants him,” Elladan blinked in surprise, not sure what Maddy was talking about.
“Who?” He asked. “I am not sure the first part of the conversation was out loud.” He tried to smile to take the sting out of his words, but Elladan was not entirely certain that Maddy was anything close to sane.
Maddy threw a dark look at the young half-elf. “Your new boyfriend up there,” he sneered. “He’s been after Erestor since we got to Imladris.”
Elladan shrugged. “It isn’t like that.” He said firmly, refusing to take the bait.
“Like what, Princess?” Maddy said coldly. “He isn’t your boyfriend, or he isn’t trying to get in Erestor’s pants? Because I can assure you, he is.”
Elladan sighed. He didn’t feel like arguing with Maddy, and he really did not want to talk about how he wasn’t sure where he stood with Haldir. The older elf had made no promises or declarations of undying love and devotion. But he hadn’t said it was a one off thing either.
Maddy snorted in annoyance. “Great, you didn’t even ask, did you? Puppy, you need to learn some basic rules. First, ask, because if you think he is going to be your devoted lover, you can see you are dead wrong. Looks like your oh so stuck up Haldir is just a slut at heart.”
“Shut up,” Elladan said, tired to the bone and not willing to fight with the insane elf over Haldir. “He is not like that at all.”
“You use that phrase a lot ‘not like that,’” Maddy pulled Badger up, making the meara snort in annoyance. “Stay back here a little,” he ordered the younger elf. “Maybe it is time for you to finish telling me about our little blond friend.”
Elladan sagged. He had hoped that the distraction of the undead horde had made Maddy forget about his slip of the tongue. The more he had thought about it, the more he realized what a bad idea it had been to say anything at all.
“Look, forget I said anything, If Haldir didn’t tell you anything about Melpomaen, then it isn’t my place to.” He kept looking straight ahead and gave his mount a gentle tap to keep it moving when it tried to fall back with Badger.
“If it was that easy, buttercup, I wouldn’t have to ask,” Maddy said snidely and chuckled when Badger reached forward and tugged Elladan’s horses tail until the horse stopped moving. “Now spill it.” He demanded.
Elladan considered refusing again, but the look in Maddy’s eyes told him the red haired elf was done playing. “Fine, but when he gets pissed off about it, I am making sure he knows you are the one who badgered me about it.”
Maddy shrugged dismissively. “Whatever. Talk.”
“Haldir really did love Melpomaen,” Elladan started. “And at first, it seemed like Melpomaen loved him, it wasn’t until about 10 years after they got married that everyone started to notice that Mel was not even trying to hide the fact that he was cheating.”
“How did Haldir even end up with this Melpomaen?” Maddy asked. “I thought Haldir and his horde of siblings was from Lorien.”
“Horde? Just two brothers as far as I know,” Elladan said, amused. “They were really nice too,” he added. “Orophin and Rumil.” He smiled at a fond memory of the brothers.
“Fantastic, but not what I asked.”
Elladan rolled his eyes. “Whatever, you are the one that got off track.” It was Maddy’s turn to roll his eyes.
“All three of them were in Imladris as guards for grandmother. Melpomaen was one of Erestor’s clerks.” He shrugged. They met, Haldir stayed, they got married less than a year later. It was the biggest scandal!!” He laughed at the memory, making Haldir look back from the front of the line. Elladan blushed and looked down, feeling guilty.
“They seemed to be crazy about each other.” He sounded sad now. “They were always holding hands, or kissing in the corner. It was really sweet, but apparently it wasn’t enough for Mel.”
“You have got to be fucking with me,” Maddy exclaimed, delighted by the story. “Frigid little Haldir kissing in public?” He snorted. “I’m shocked.”
“It didn’t last long,” Elladan continued. “Pretty soon people started to whisper about Melpomaen being seen going into someone’s room late at night, seen flirting with another. That kind of stuff. Mostly people ignored it, but he got pretty blatant. He went as far as trying to convince my father to sleep with him.”
“Elrond!” Maddy snorted. “He was into that?”
Elladan coughed and blushed, looking down. “You might be surprised,” he admitted. “He told Melpomaen no, but now everyone knew. Mel said it was because Haldir was too inhibited and not giving him what he needed, but who knows.”
“I’d believe that,” Maddy said. “That little prick wouldn’t know a good time if it bit him on the ass.”
“It’s no reason to be unfaithful,” Elladan tried to defend Haldir. “He didn’t deserve that, but he wouldn’t leave Mel. He refused to admit it was over. Then Melpomaen left with an ellon from Mirkwood. Just picked up and went. Haldir was heartbroken.”
“That Mel fella -does- sound like an asshole.” Maddy said a little thoughtful, “Life is just so unfair that way.” He smiled a little sad to Elladan.
Elladan could see the treeline from Mirkwood in the horizon. “Tell me story.” Elladan suddenly said, and shot Maedhros his most charming smile. “Please?”
Maedhros mellowed and smiled back, “What would you want to hear?”
“Did you ever see Gondolin?” Elladan asked with childish enthusiasm.
“No.” Maedhros shook his head, “I was busy waging war, killing everything around me. I didn’t have time for pretty things.”
“You had time for Fingon.” Elladan said, feeling sneaky, “You aren’t the only one who remembers stuff you know.”
Maddy laughed, “True, I had time for Fingon. So some pretty things I suppose I did find time for.”
Elladan nodded, he didn’t have to ask if he missed him, Maddy would probably never admit to that, but he could hear it in his voice. Both elves were stopped dead in their tracks when they heard a long howl to their left. So preoccupied with the living dead that they had not really taken the natural wildlife into consideration. Elladan’s horse stamped nervously, and when Badger too got uneasy, Maedhros turned in the saddle, but it was a moment too late, a second later he was flying off the back of Badger his arms full of hungry wolf. It wasn’t that the wolfs was overly huge, but they were desperate and hungry. When Maedhros landed on the ground, he had landed on his back and on his shotgun. The Wolf tore into his armstump, causing Maedhros to scream in anger.
Haldir who was riding in front had not noticed the commotion, he had heard the howl, but he had heard that so often, that didn’t have to mean anything. But when he heard a horse whine in fear, only to be followed by a scream that sounded all too elven he turned around. Chaos errupted around him, elves fleeing, making a wild dash for the border of Mirkwood, making it even harder for Haldir to get through to where the commotion originated.
The wolf had tasted blood, which only made it even more determined to make Maedhros it’s meal. It didn’t even notice the archer, but it -did- feel the arrow in it’s side, snarling, torn between finishing the elf on his back, and turning it’s attention to the attacker, he chose the first giving it everything it got. “Kill it you fuck!” Maedhros growled, dodging the wolf’s jaws. The wolf got a hold of Maedhros’ arm stump again, tugging and throwing it’s bodyweight from side to side trying to maim it’s victim so it could go for the kill.
Haldir aimed again and this time he hit the wolf direct, and caused it to drop dead. For a long moment Maedhros just lay on the ground and tried to catch his breath, cradeling his wounded arm. “That brought back memories.” Maddy laughed breathless allowing Haldir to get him to his feet. Haldir just stared at the wounded arm, and Maedhros shrugged, “Don’t look so worried, man. It ain’t gonna kill me.” He smiled. “Thanks.. And I mean that.”
“Don’t make me regret it.” Haldir huffed before he turned on his heels and tried to catch up with the other elves, not even looking at Elladan who stood behind Maedhros looking rather dishelved himself.
“What did I say son?” Maedhros sighed, “At least you got me.” He bounced his shoulder at Elladan.
“Yeah.” Elladan whispered, looking around to see if he could see his horse, but it was no where in sight.
“Are you gonna cry now?” Maedhros asked with a chilly stare at his grandson. “My dad always said;” He took a deep breath to impersonate Fëarnor best he could. “This is war son, weakness is death, do I make myself clear?”
“Yes, Sir.” Elladan frowned.
“He was right though.” Maedhros said gently. “Don’t let personal matters cloud your judgment in battle.”
Elladan nodded, but didn’t exactly look convinced.
“Hey man, maybe those Mirkwood elves knows how to make wine like their proper grey elves.” Maddy cheered. He looked around for his horse as well, realizing that he and Elladan was all alone now. “Yo Badger, get your ass over here!” He yelled. They waited and eventually they heard hooves getting closer, seeing Badger trot close to them looking mostly like it smirked. Maedhros gave the Maera a huge shiteating grin. “Come on buddy, wanna show those fucking prissy elves how to have a good time?”
His cocky words aside, he still needed help getting on Badgers back, and needed Elladan to sit behind him, or he would most likely fall. The wolf had gotten him a little better than he wanted to admit, doing his best to hide the blood from the bite wounds. At least it was a wolf he told himself, and he hadn’t seen any animals contract whatever this was. Silently he worried about what sort of welcome he would get from Grey Elves, he could always be lucky, that there was none left who had the slighest clue who he was.