Authors; azzy & erestorjunkie
Title; Play dead.
Warnings: Language, crack, smut.
Summary; When zombie apocalypse hits Middle earth, who will they call upon to set things straight? Well the finest of the finest of warriors of course.
AN; Okay so I had this silly idea of Zombies and Elves, and since EJ jumped right onto that idea, we decided to try and write it. It’s been too long since any of us wrote a crack fic.
You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
-House that built me –Miranda Lambert
Maedhros was in a foul mood. He had not slept the night before. At first, he had found it enduring to see the young peredhel snuggling up next to Haldir like a kitten, but when Haldir wrapped his arm around the younger elf, felt something he had left far behind. Jealousy. Not that he would ever admit it.
The sun dawned weak and cold and the few pitiful remaining Imladris elves woke to another day in their new reality as refugees. No fire was lit, no food shared. Most didn’t even speak to one another as the gathered their meager possessions and prepared to walk for yet another day.
Most of the Imladris elves had lives quiet lives since the end of the last age. Some had fought in the war, most had not. Imladris attracted those of a more academic bent. Maddy mused on this as he watched his pitiful crew.
Thinking of academics, Maddy looked around for Erestor. The dark-haired elf was usually up for a little fun before they started for the day. The slowly milling elves obscured his view of the camp and at first he did not see Erestor at all. Ready to curse the Advisor for a fool, thinking he had wandered off, Maddy was about to start looking in the woods when he spotted him.
Erestor sat to the edge of the camp, staring dully ahead, not seeming to notice the others. He looked tired. Too bad, Maedhros thought, he could be tired some other time; he was not in a good mood and needed a little lift to get him through the day.
Maddy pushed his way through the makeshift camp and stood over Erestor. The pretty face was now buried in the ragged robes the former Advisor wore. It was because of this that he didn’t understand what the other said to him as he stood looming.
“There is fine, cupcake,” Maddy smirked, “but you have to get your face out of your damn sleeve if you are going to suck me off.”
Erestor didn’t look up, but said in a louder voice than the first time. “I said fuck off, Maedhros.” Maddy was almost as shocked by the profanity from the prissy elf’s mouth as he was the thought of anyone telling him to fuck off.
“Excuse me,” he said, startled.
Erestor looked up from his crossed arms. “What part of ‘fuck off’ are you missing?” He asked bitterly. “I don’t want you anywhere around me.”
Anger surged through the red-head and his hand shot out and tangled in the dark hair of the elf in front of him. It only took one good yank to get Erestor to his feet, yowling in pain and anger.
“Listen to me, bitch,” he snarled, face pressed close to the pale face. This close, he could see how red the once pretty jade green eyes were, as if he had been crying. “You will never speak to me like that again, do you understand?” Erestor just spat at the enraged Fëanorian, earning him a rough shake. “Do. You. Understand?!” He shouted as he shook the frightened elf.
“Get away, you bastard!” Erestor was screaming and sobbing at the same time. “Don’t speak to me again, don’t look at me, and don’t fucking touch me again!” His voice broke and spittle flew from lips now covered in froth. “I am done with you, you asshole. I am not going to let you treat me like this anymore. None of you.” He added with a sweeping glance around the tiny crowd of staring elves. “I am done. No more.” He turned his attention back to Maedhros, “I am not going to be your surrogate while you mope around because you can’t have the one you want.”
Maedhros stiffened and pulled Erestor closer to him. “You think you can change that now, slut?” Erestor struggled weakly, not wanting to tear his own hair out where it was wrapped around the red-head’s fingers. His tear streaked cheeks were blotchy and his eyes puffy. Maddy pushed him away just as abruptly and he had dragged him close. “You look like shit. Go wash your face.”
Erestor stumbled and failed to keep his feet, landing in an undignified heap on the ground. It was then he realized what a scene he had caused, and started to blush. Embarrassed and still not a little angry, he picked himself up and pushed past Maddy and to the other edge of the camp.
The other elves parted before him, no sure what to think, but none knew what to do. Only Haldir followed the distressed elf.
Nervously, the rest of the refugees continued preparing to leave.
“We need to move out quickly,” Elladan said quietly from behind Maddy. “The noise might have attracted some of our undead friends.”
“Yeah.” Maedhros said in an oddly docile tone, “Tell your elves to pack their shit.” He pushed past Elladan and snatched a bottle, “Always the psychos, always. When will I ever learn?”
Sitting in the dark with his shotgun in his lap, and a bottle in his hand, Maedhros watched the elves pack the makeshift camp up like crazy ants. “Maddy?” A voice said in the darkness next to him, “Are you okay?”
Maedhros smiled and took a sip of his bottle, “Just dandy, kiddo.”
“I didn’t even know Erestor had it in him.” Elladan admitted as he sat down next to the Fëanorian.
Maedhros didn’t answer; he just stared at the elves packing. “You should be packing.” He just said, “Show some good example to your subjects.” He winked at Elladan in the dark.
“Yeah, well.” Elladan took a deep breath, running a clammy hand through his tangled hair, “They asked me to check on you.”
“That was awfully nice of them.” Maedhros said coldly. He turned his head and studied Elladan, “Are you afraid I’m gonna go postal on y’all as well?”
“No!” Elladan said a little too quickly. And then hung his head a little embarrassed as he realized his error. “No I’m not really, it’s just… They are afraid of you, and I can’t blame them. So they feel better with me staying close to you.” He looked at Maedhros with large childlike eyes, “You understand that, don’t you?”
“The sacrifices you make for your people, huh?” Maedhros chuckled. Then sobered up a little, “I get it, don’t worry about it, kiddo.”
“It’s not like that,” Elladan started, and then stopped. He wasn’t sure what it was really. He knew that Haldir had lost his patience with Maddy completely now that the temperamental warrior had treated Erestor so badly. At least that was how Haldir saw it. Elladan was even more confused about that situation. Maedhros had not treated Erestor any differently than dozens of others in the past, so why the dark-haired elf chose now to throw a fit, he couldn’t imagine. He just had to assume it was the stress of the last few days catching up with Erestor.
“If I promise to be a good little elfling, will you just get out of here, and pack your shit, sport?” Maddy tried to take some of the sting from his words by giving his grandson a half-hearted smile, but Elladan refused to look at him and just shook his head while picking at a patch of clover between his feet. “I promised Haldir I would stay with you.” He admitted.
“Haldir,” Maddy sighed. “Everything boils down to Haldir in the end.” He groused bitterly. “That stuck up little prude seems to have his fingers in every damn pie in Middle Earth.” He looked over at the half elf next to him and glared. “Of course you wouldn’t see it that way after last night.” He said in a bitter tone.
“You get your shorts in a bunch and he goes off to “comfort” you and instead screws your brains out. Until last night, I wasn’t sure he really knew what sex even was.”
Elladan continued to shake his head sadly now blushing hotly. “You never knew him before.” He said indignantly. “He used to be different.
“Everyone was different before the zombie shit, pumpkin.” Maddy sneered. “Some are just deader and into eating living flesh than others, the rest are zombie wandering around looking for a home.”
Elladan refused to take the bait. “No. Even before that. A long time ago he was kind of fun.” He shrugged. “It wasn’t until Melpomaen left that he got so grouchy.”
“Melpomaen?” As soon as the name was out of Maddy’s mouth, Elladan knew he had messed up. “Who the fuck is that?”
“H-his husband,” Elladan stammered. He knew he should not say any more but the words tumbled out as if his mouth belonged to someone else. “He started sleeping around and then took off with an Ellon from Mirkwood a couple of centuries ago.”
“Back up, bucko,” Maddy held up his hand. “He cheated on him and left him for some ass-hat from Mirkwood?”
“Yeah,” Elladan was refusing to look at him again. “It really changed him. Melpomaen said he was no fun, and that was why he did all that, but really, Haldir was just fine. We were really good friends back then.” Maddy thought the younger elf might actually cry and couldn’t resist a dig.
“As good a friend as you were yesterday,” he said snidely.
Elladan cleared his throat and squirmed uncomfortably. “It isn’t quite what you think, and no. Not a chance, he would never have cheated on Melpomaen. He was crazy about him.” He insisted.
“Well, unless you guys have figured out how to get a long distance divorce, I am going to say he just did.” Again the bitter words were out before he could stop them.
“You know,” Elladan stood abruptly. “Maybe this is a terrible idea.”
Maddy regretted his taunts and gestured with his mangled arm for the other to sit again. “Not so fast, sweet cheeks,” he said firmly. “You can’t start a story like that and just walk off in a huff.”
“I really don’t feel like sitting here listening to you bitch and moan about what you think happened between me and Haldir. If you want him, maybe you should try not pissing him off.”
“Do not presume to lecture me, pup,” Maddy let ice creep into his voice until Elladan looked down again. He was about to say more, but a twig breaking and a crash just outside the camp stopped him. Sadly, Elladan had been right; the undead had been attracted to the camp. Whether it was actually Erestor’s tantrum, or just the noise of 20 some odd elves milling about, they were here.
A couple of elves shriek in fear and chaos broke out. Maddy raised the shotgun and the roar of the gun cut through even the loud shouts from the camp. One zombie fell before it even got to the outer edge of the camp, but another was right behind it. And another behind it.
Shouting for Elladan to gather the terrified elves together and get them moving away from the camp, Maddy fired again. Another fell.
Again and again he fired the shotgun and each time undead fell to the ground, dead for real this time. He watched the numbers fall, just to be replaced by more. The woods were filled with them.
The sounds of distraught elves had faded away, all Maddy could hear now was the crashing of the shambling walking corpses that poured out of the trees and the blast of his shotgun. Just as he realized he was out of ammunition another shot rang out from behind him, and Maddy whirled around in time to see another fall, only feet behind him.
Haldir appeared from the tree line. “Don’t make this a waste of a bullet, get moving, there are too many to kill all of them, we are better off running.”
The archer did not wait for Maddy to reply, just slipped back the way he had come, toward the Imladris refugees.
Maedhros whistled for Badger, who came crashing through undeads and bush moments later. He swung unto the horses back, just about to ride after Haldir when he saw Erestor in the far end of the camp. He had apparently tried to save some female elf and had failed. And now he was valiantly fending off zombies with an iron pot. Had the situation not been this dire, Maedhros would have broken out laughing. But instead he aimed his rifle and shot the zombie that snuck up behind Erestor. “Erestor, come on, man.” Maedhros yelled, gesturing for Erestor.
Erestor didn’t even turn his head, completely ignoring Maedhros.
“Shit.” Maedhros swore under his breath, and made his way to Erestor’s side. “Would you just get on the fucking horse?” He yelled again. And like before, Erestor ignored him, Maedhros stuck his rifle in the holster on his back to grab Erestor. He had to use all his might to haul the resisting elf unto the horse. “Why do you insist on being such a cunt?” He gritted his teeth, and pulled the shotgun again, now that Erestor was sprawled over his lap on Badgers back. “You know I didn’t mean all that shit, right? You just pissed me off, that’s all. I’m sorry okay?” He said, not paying attention to Erestor at all, his eyes trained on the zombies and the easiest way out of the camp.
Erestor wiggled a little in his lap, trying to hold on as Badger tossed the zombies aside like rag-dolls. A sudden sharp pain traveled up his side. “Ow fuck!” And for a moment he thought that he had been grazed by a bullet or something, and didn’t pay more attention to it in the moment. It was not until they were out of the campsite, and Badger walked slowly after Haldir’s group of survivors, Maedhros curiously lifted his shirt to see what had happened, it was not a bullet, it was a fine set of teeth, right on his side. “What the fuck man, did you bite me? Are you fucking mental? Only 5-year-old girls bite, well and zombies, and you are neither.” He shook his head, “Dude.” Maedhros kicked Badgers side to make it run a little faster to catch up with Haldir. “If he wants to play nurse, he can fucking have you. I’m done.” He surprisingly gently lowered Erestor off the horse, and stared down at Erestor who looked furious, and disarranged. “You’re welcome, fuckwit.” And with that he kicked Badgers side harder, trotting up next to Elladan and Haldir.
“There you are.” Elladan said, “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” Maedhros said, sliding from the horse down next to the other elves on foot. “Your new best friend is back there” He nodded back in the end of the group as he addressed Haldir.
Haldir suddenly pushed Elladan back, grabbing Mardhros’ shirt. “What the fuck was that stunt you just HAD to pull back there?” he spat.
“What ever do you mean?” Maedhros asked with an indignant tone, even if he knew perfectly well what Haldir talked about.
“You know what I’m talking about!” Haldir let go of Maedhros, but didn’t budge an inch as they walked side by side. “The caveman act.”
Maedhros nodded, “I told him I was sorry.” He defended himself with a childish whine. “I don’t know what came over me, I don’t… It was not me, I just snapped, that’s all.”
“You slap all your lovers around?” Haldir asked with a disgusted expression.
Maedhros now looked directly at the Marchwarden. “I never hurt a lover, never. Not on purpose at least.” And then his smile widened to a lewd grin, “Or without permission.”
Haldir just rolled his eyes, “You could have fooled me.”
“Look.” Maedhros said with a scowl. “Erestor was not my lover, he offered, I accepted. That is all, call it stress relief if you want.”
“So the moment he wont perform, you just degrade him like that?” Haldir asked dangerously soft.
“Just let it slide, would you?” Maedhros argued, “I told him I was sorry, also I just saved his fucking ass, which you valiantly left behind.” He turned his head and looked directly at Haldir, “I’m not judging you, I’m just telling you that you might want to chill with your righteous fury.”
Haldir just stared angrily at Maedhros and turned on his heel, walking back through the rows of surviving elves, aiming at Erestor.
“I hate this place.” Maedhros mumbled.
Elladan handed Maedhros some water, walking by his side now. “It’s not that bad.”
“Really?” Maedhros arched a brow. “I am stuck with prissy queen of Lorien, one of my goddamn cousins little lapdogs. And you, you are the most sane elf around, and you are fucking Elrond’s little brat, Just like me.. My dad always said I collected riff raff, I suppose I do.” He smiled gently at Elladan, “According to Fëanor that is.” He slung his arm around Elladan’s shoulders and squeezed the elf before letting go of him again. “Personally I prefer riff raff.”
“Why are you doing this?” Elladan asked, “Why did you really come back here?”
“I was given a chance by the Valar, and I’d be a fucking idiot not to take it.” Maedhros shrugged.
“Alright.” Maehdros sighed, “I was promised that my family would be released from the halls, and returned to the family estate.”
“You think my dad is at the halls too?” Elladan asked in a strange fragile manner.
“I don’t know kid.” Maedhros said, “All bets are off.”
Elladan nodded thoughtful. “We’re at Mirkwood soon, I hope Elrohir is okay. It’s been so long since we heard anything from the Mirkwood camp.”
“Don’t get your hopes up.” Maedhros said, “If you think the worst, you wont be..”
“How can you say that?” Elladan gasped, “I have to have hope, without that I might as well lay down and die too!”
“Hope is a blanket, kid.” Maedhros said sadly. “Believe me when I tell you, you’d be better off without that hippie crap.”
“Bullshit! If you didn’t love your family you wouldn’t even be here!” Elladan argued hotly.
“That’s different!” Maedhros spat. “I watched them all die! My brothers, my father, my lover. All of them. All who mattered died, and I couldn’t do anything about it, besides trying to not die myself.” Before Elladan could say anything, Maedhros continued, “I know what I did. Don’t you fucking lecture me.” He sighed heavily, “To not have false hopes, and to realize that everything was futile, is two different things.”
“I guess so.”
“What I’m trying to say is; don’t expect your twin to be alive. If he is, then all is good. But if he isn’t, you wont be as sad.” Maedhros said with a little smile, “If everything should turn out shit, you still have me. Okay?”
“Okay.” Elladan said with a tiny voice.