Title; These days.
warnings; language, slurrs, angst, spoilers.
fandom; Dragon Age II
AN; Sorry for the delay.. Commander Shepard needed me on deck. 😉
—> Part 2
Hawke wasn’t sure he was ready to admit why it annoyed him so, that Carver and Fenris seemed to get along so well. At first he had told himself that of course the elf’s hate towards mages, would draw him to like-minded, being Carver. But when Fenris had started to show up at uncle Gamlen’s door step with a sweet smile, asking for Carver, Hawke just watching from his seat at the desk, sorting through papers he couldn’t really make sense of. He saw Fenris’ brilliant smile light up as Carver entered the room. Fenris didn’t even acknowledge Hawke’s precense, even if he was perfectly polite towards Leandra and Gamlen. Not untill Carver placed a broad familiar hand on Hawke’s aching shoulders, and squeezed gently, causing Hawke to groan. ”See you later brother.” He said. And Hawke turned in his chair and smiled at the two warriors, ”Don’t get too drunk, we have a mission tomorrow,” He said, Carver had laughed, and Fenris had just acknowledged him with a nod, ”Hawke.” And then left. He lifted a finger to correct the elf that he actually had a first name, but by then the duo had already left. And Hawke returned to his papers with a deep sigh.
Leandra put down her needlepoint and looked up at Hawke, she could tell he was miserable, but wasn’t sure why. ”It’s good to see Carver got some friends.” She tried.
”Yeah.” Hawke just mumbled back.
It was not untill he was in his bed, tossing and turning, listening to Carver snore, and Leandra mumble in her sleep in the small room. That he dared address the thought. The elf was absolutely drop dead gorgeous, that was what was wrong. ”Shit.” Hawke whispered to the room. He was jealous, that was what was wrong, he wished he was the one that made Fenris smile like that. Instead he got nothing but a nod and a measured, cold glare. And why? Because of this blighted curse he was born with. He would just have to though it out, to forget about this whole thing, and let warriors be warriors, and mages be mages.
Hawke felt his cheeks heat up, wondering if Carver and Fenris were going at it like rabbits. ‘Don’t be an idiot’ his subconscious told him, ‘Carver is not into men, you know that’. And he did. But that didn’t change the dark surge he felt in his chest, it made him feel petty, ridiculous and lonely.
Nothing in the world could have prepared Hawke for Carver suddenly falling down, sick with the taint. He tried to stay level-headed and focused as Anders checked Carver over. In his head he kept hearing Leandra’s voice, begging him to not bring Carver on the expedition. What was he going to say to her? He knew that it was not really his fault, and yet it was. He had brought Carver, and even if his brother had insisted on coming, he could have refused him, couldn’t he? It took him a moment to realise that Anders had stopped examining Carver and was not talking to him. Something about the map and the Grey Wardens. Hawke looked up at him, careful hope in his voice, ”Is that a cure?”
”To become a Grey Warden?” Anders said thoughtful, ”I suppose so, if they will take him, and if we can find them.”
”So they are here?” Hawke asked hoisting Carver to his feet, ”We’ll have to try.”
”I don’t want to be a Grey Warden.” Carver protested weakly.
”Would you rather die here in the Deep Roads?” Fenris asked slightly curious from behind them.
”I..” Carver sighed.
”Please.” Hawke said, fighting to get a good grip on Carver. Looking at Anders, who just nodded with a sad smile.
Hawke sat by the small fire, in the makeshift camp at they had made at the entrance to the Deep Roads, staring into the flames. He felt lost and miserable, the conversation with Strout kept running over and over in his mind like a defect recording. ‘if he survives, it’s not a cure, it’s a calling’. And what had he done? He had argued for the Grey Wardens to take Carver in his normal bull-headed way. What if Carver wasn’t going to be alright? He had said that Carver was strong, that he was a brilliant warrior, but was that enough? He had heard terrible rumours about the Joining, what if Carver was too weak? It didn’t matter, he would still have to tell mother that he had lost his brother in the Deep Roads.
Hawke shook himself from his misery, and turned his head to look directly at Fenris who sat at his side. A most unlikely comforter indeed. ”Fenris.” He just said with a little sad smile.
”Here.” He handed Hawke a bowl of what he reckoned was soup. ”You should eat something.”
Hawke nodded, and took the bowl. ”What am I going to tell mother?” He asked with a slight whine. ”Shit! Carver only came because I didn’t stop him.”
Fenris rose a perfect brow, ”He came because he wanted to.”
”True.” Hawke sighed, ”But it wasn’t supposed to end like this!”
”We all knew the risks, Carver was no exception.” Fenris said, raising to his feet.
Hawke nodded weakly, ”Still, that will be no comfort to mother,” He sighed heavily, ”She blamed me for Bethany, and now she will blame me for Carver too. Most of all she will blame me for me being all she has left.” He put the bowl down on the ground between his feet, ”Sorry Fenris, I shouldn’t..” He sighed again and picked up the spoon, ”You don’t have to babysit me, i won’t go hurl myself off into the deep or something.”
Fenris actually smiled, but Hawke didn’t see it.
”Do you wish for me to come with you when you tell your mother about Carver?” Fenris asked.
Hawke put down the spoon and looked up at Fenris, trying to read his eyes for any deception. ”No.” He almost whispered, ”It’s something I have to do myself.”
”I understand.” Fenris said, but instead of turning and leaving the fireplace, he sat down opposite Hawke, staring into the flames.
Hawke was torn between wishing he would scoot closer, and feeling like a traitor for thinking something like this when he didn’t even know if his brother would survive, and had it not been for Carver, this elf would not even be sitting here. ”Would you..” He looked directly at Fenris through the fire. ”Would you wait outside perhaps? Just in case?”
”Of course.” Fenris said, nodding.
”Garrett.” Hawke heard Anders say softly as he sat down next to him. He liked Anders just fine, it was not that, he was a good friend, a magnificent brother in arms, and kinda funny when drunk, but he was about the last person he wanted to come sit next to him right now. ”How are you holding up?” Anders asked.
”I’m fine, thanks for asking.” Hawke mumbled, helplessly watching as Fenris just got up and left, like had he never been there, like a ghost.
”Come now, I’m sure Carver will be fine, you’ll see.” Anders said with a tiny smile, wrapping an arm around Hawke’s shoulders.
”If anyone can survive that, it’s Carver that stubborn blighter.” Hawke said softly, but couldn’t help but to smile. Anders pulled him close and without thinking, Hawke rested his head on Anders’ shoulder. ”I just wish things were different.” Hawke admitted in a little fragile whisper.
”Don’t we all?” Anders said, shaking his head, ”Sorry, that was insensitive of me, I didn’t mean it like that. I wish there had been another way too, but it is the only one I could think of, and he would not have survived the trip to the surface. You did the right thing, Hawke.”
”I hope so.” Hawke admitted, closing his eyes, feeling comfort in Anders’ body heat and soft voice. ”With Carver gone, Fenris will leave too, won’t he”? He asked, talking to the fire, and the space that held Fenris just moments ago, more than to Anders. But it was Anders who answered.
”I care.” Hawke admitted, ”We need someone like him, he is a great resource, hate him all you want, but he gets the job done.”
”True.” Anders said with a slight nod, ”And I don’t hate him, I just serve him his own prejudice back at him.”
Hawke smiled, ”It doesn’t matter anymore, if he goes, he goes.” For a moment he wondered of Anders could feel the lie.
”Do you want me to come with you, when you tell Leandra?” Anders asked.
”No, it’s fine.” Hawke said closing his eyes for a moment, feeling warm, full, exhausted and sleepy, ”Fenris said he would come.”
”Oh.” Anders sucked in his breath. ”Do you really think that is smart?”
”He was Carver’s best friend.” Hawke said sitting up straight, shooting Anders an accusing glare, ”What could be more appropriate?”
”You’re right.” Anders nodded, squirming slightly, ”I just thought you wanted someone there for -you-.”
”Don’t assume to know what i need.” Hawke spat. He could tell from the expression on Anders that he had hurt the other mage, but right now he didn’t care.
Anders shook his head, ”Excuse me, I have something to tend to, over there.” He nodded towards the far end of camp, and got up.
”Anders!” Hawke turned in his seat, but the Mage was already gone. ”Shit.” Hawke, kicked the bowl so the last soup poured out.
Walking down the streets and alleys of Lowtown with Fenris, only Fenris, was a really strange feeling, and to Hawke’s dismay he wasn’t sure if the butterflies in his stomach was because he was afraid of Leandra’s reaction, or if it was because he was alone with Fenris, or if it was because he was sure this was the last time he would see the elf.
As they had arrived topside, Anders had pulled Fenris aside and had given him a good talking to. Hawke had not been able to hear what they had said, and it was killing him. ”Uhm. Fenris? What did Anders say?” He smiled timidly as the cold green eyes focused on him instead of the buildings around them.
”That’s none of your business.” Fenis just said.
”I know.” Hawke said shrugging, ”I’m just curious.”
Fenris shifted a little, anyone but Hawke would have missed it, but he noticed the little tick, knowing that whatever Anders had said made the elf uncomfortable to talk about. ”He told me to be a friend.” Fenris said.
”Oh.” Hawke said, knowing Fenris too well to pressure for more. So he just resigned himself to watching the street they walked through.
”I think he is quite infatuated with you, Hawke.” Fenris said with a little sly smile. And to Hawke’s surprise the smile reached the green eyes. Making his heart skip a beat.
”I don’t know.” Hawke said, ”He got mighty pissy when i told him that you’d already said you’d come with me today.” He fiddled the hem of his sleeve, knowing what came next.
”Why didn’t you bring him then?” Fenris asked surprised, ”You and I are not friends Hawke, the Mage is right, you would need a friend to be there for you.”
”Because..” Hawke weighed the word, stopping in front of the stairs to Gamlen’s house. He turned to Fenris who was leaning up against the wall, watching him, waiting for an answer. ”Because this is about Carver, not me.” It was a huge fat lie, and he knew it, but he wasn’t sure how well ‘because i want you to be here for me’ would go over with Fenris.
”That sounds reasonable.” Fenris agreed, ”Now, I will wait right here. If you need me, just call for me.” He smiled a little.
”Okay.” Hawke said, walking up the stairs to Gamlen’s door, knowing what awaited him on the other side. He turned around on the top of the stairs and looked down at Fenris who waited at the bottom. He wanted to ask him if he was leaving, and if so, persuade him to stay. But it just seemed inappropriate, and the wrong time. Hawke wondered vaguely if the time would ever be right to ask something like that.