Play dead 8/? – Elvish, motherfucker, do you speak it?

Authors; azzy & erestorjunkie
Title; Play dead.
Fandom; LoTr
Rating: M
WIP; 8/?
Warnings: Language, crack, elaborate lapdance 😉
Summary; When zombie apocalypse hits Middle earth, who will they call upon to set things straight? Well the finest of the finest of warriors of course.
AN; Okay so I had this silly idea of Zombies and Elves, and since EJ jumped right onto that idea, we decided to try and write it. It’s been too long since any of us wrote a crack fic.

What’s the meaning of
Covering up yourself when
You are who you were born

What’s the meaning of
Doing things that you
Obviously think are wrong

-Veto

Getting the scattered remains of Elrond’s household together was harder than Maddy had expected. He really had thought that most of them would obediently pack a few simple necessities and be ready to leave in a couple of hours. He had been dead wrong.

First, Haldir had not been moving very fast. He had never seen an elf with a hangover that bad. If anyone had asked him before that morning, he would have sworn that elves were not capable of getting hangovers so debilitating. Without the seasoned traveler helping him organize, Maddy soon discovered that he was surrounded by fools who had never had to run for their lives before.

“Pathetic!” He shouted loudly to no one in particular as he stood in the main hall. “Why in the name of all that is good and holy would you think you needed to bring a gods forsaken ball gown?!” He shouted at the prissy young elleth with the 4 large bags at her feet. “We are not fucking going dancing, we are trying to stay alive you twat!”

Big shimmery tears started in the pale blue eyes of the elleth, but before they could begin to fall in earnest, Haldir appeared at the top of the stairs calling her name.

“I am sorry, dear,” he said calmly, no trace of the grievous illness earlier. We will have to come get most of this later once things calm down.”

He opened one bag and emptied it out. It was full of shoes, none of which would last 10 minutes walking in the wilds. “Let’s start over and only pack things that will be useful for the next few days and worry about the rest later. He patted her on the back as she nodded meekly.

“When things calm down?” Maddy shouted again, unreasonably pissed off that Haldir was not only obviously feeling better than he had any right to considering, but that he had calmed the silly elleth and gotten her to start packing correctly after he had screamed at her for over half an hour trying to get to agree to leave so much as a pair of stockings behind.

“I hate to break this to you, sunshine,” he sneered. “Things are not going to calm down. This entire world is about to become a zombie play ground.” Haldir boldly reached up and covered Maddy’s mouth with one hand. “Will you shut up?” he hissed. “There is no need to start a panic; this is going to be hard enough without you telling them that.”

Maedhros, peevishly, bit Haldir’s palm, causing the younger elf to hiss and jerk it back. He had a witty and scathing reply on the tip of his tongue when a frantic guard, hardly past his majority, came running in through the front doors.

“They are coming,” he squeaked out between gasping breaths. His pale hair was stuck to his forehead, and his face a combination of flush cheeks and grey complexion. Everyone had been inside too long. “They are coming up the road, a whole lot of them.”

Haldir and Maddy exchanged worried looks. “Which road, Child?” Haldir asked as calmly as he could. The frightened youth pointed to his right.

“OK that settles it,” Haldir clapped his hands loudly and started calling out orders, and to Maddy’s disgust, many of those present obeyed.
“That is it!” He called. “We are leaving now. No time for any more packing, no time for more stuff. Get to the stables immediately!”

A muffled shriek from a hallway told them all they needed to know. The zombies were moving fast and they were out of time. A flood of panicked elves came rushing through the main hall and out toward the stables. Haldir had hoped there would be enough horses that they would not have to leave anyone on foot, but as he and Maddy came out after the group he saw that plan go up in smoke. Literally. Either a frantic horse or an elf that was beyond thinking had knocked a lantern in to the hay. The entire structure was rapidly burning.

The moaning of the undead and crashing of shambling feet was mixed with the crackle of burning wood and hay and the shrieks and cries of the pitiful few left of the once proud household.

Elladan was doing his best to get the wildly frantic horses out of the barn, but so far only half a dozen were free and half of those were moving away from the chaos in the courtyard. Of course Maddy’s beast was there and fine. Haldir suspected the animal was nearly indestructible.

It stood calmly in the middle of the chaos, a couple of horses from the stables nearby. One of those was quite clearly Asfaloth, the stunning white horse waited patiently in the madness for his master to come tell him what to do. For a second, Haldir felt sadness, Glorfindel was beyond running.

Maddy grabbed Asfaloth’s reins and Erestor’s hand. “Get up!” He demanded as Elladan mounted another milling steed. “It is time to move, forget the rest of this.” He waved his hand vaguely at the burning stable and dark empty house. “Everyone get moving for fuck sake!” He shouted.

The confusion, smoke fear, and undead made the next few moments a blur in Haldir’s mind. Later, he would not remember how they had managed to get out of the valley with as many as they did.

The final steep climb out of the valley came just as the sun set. Haldir looked over his shoulder just as the last rays fell behind the mountains and saw winking orange lights of the now massive fire. Imladris was no more. The only thing he could hope for was that the fire would destroy some of the infected that were still wandering around the valley.

The wind had changed directions several times as they fled the dual threat of fire and zombies and there were times where the staggering coughing refugees were so disoriented, Haldir had felt like herding dog, nipping the heels of flagging sheep.

Twice, infected had shambled out of the trees and fallen on the hapless survivors. Both times, Elladan and Maddy had helped destroy the creatures, but both times had ended with more than one non-infected casualty. The last had been the worst. It was the pretty young elleth who had wanted to bring her shoes.

Haldir was afraid he was going to see the image of her face as she pleaded for Maddy not to kill her while she fanatically tried to stop the blood from flowing from the gaping hole in her arm where the zombie had bitten her. He was actually grateful to have the cold-blooded son of Feanor with them. He knew he would have faltered and put them all at risk. He had known her since she was an infant, the child of his husband’s sister.

With the sun down, there was no way for the ragged pitiful party to keep moving forward. Even Maddy had to agree, and called a halt for the night. Four of the least damaged elves were given shotguns and set as guards.

No fire was started, not that there was any food. The exodus had become too chaotic to get the few bags that had not been trapped in the fire. Not that anyone had much of an appetite, most were so shell-shocked they stood in place like the zombies they were running from. They had to be guided to rocks or logs to sit, where they continued to stare off into nothing.

With a sinking feeling, Haldir counted the survivors. Counting both himself and Maddy, there were still fewer than 2 dozen. Imladris was down to 22 elves.

~*~

The next two days was pretty eventless, and Maddy was getting slightly bored. The Rivendell elves largely ignored him, and would turn to Haldir for any advise, even small questions as ‘where is my shoes’. Maddy was mostly invisible. He wasn’t about to complaint though, he had Erestor to keep him amused, and he had to give it to little Noldo, he sure knew how to entertain. A lazy smile spread on his lips as he sagged down on the ground, happy to not travel any more for that day.

One thing worried him though, Elladan seemed to sink deeper into a dark mood, Maddy had argued with himself if he should try to talk to his grandson, but decided against it. He felt slightly guilty for everything, even if he did a hell of a job covering that up.

Well, Maedhros thought to himself, at least he got Haldir to be at his side. He watched the two elves in what seemed deep discussion. He couldn’t really hear what they said, and he didn’t have to. Haldir had apparently lost his patience with Elladan’s brooding.

“Fuck you!” Elladan suddenly yelled, pushing Haldir aside, and stomped off into the forest.

For a moment Haldir just stood there, paralyzed. He turned his head and looked over at Maedhros who just sat there and stared at him with that damn self entitled grin. “What?” Haldir growled.

Maedhros just shook his head, “Fuck no. You made him storm off, you go fetch him.” Maedhros’ smile widened wolfish, “Don’t worry, i’ll manage your flock while you’re gone.”

Haldir pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. “Why do I even..”

“Now scoot!” Maedhros grinned, “Go protect the princeling before something eats him.” The red-haired elf chuckled, “Something other than you. That is.”

“What the..”

“Dude, how stupid do you think I am?” Maedhros shook his head amused. “I know what’s going on here. Hey man, go for it!”

“I would never!” Haldir protested.

“Sure.” Maedrhos laughed, getting up from where he had been sitting. “I believe you.” He said, and his lie so obvious that Haldir clammed up in anger, before he too stomped off into the forest after Elladan.

~*~

Erestor sat between Maedrhos’ legs, looking up at the tall elf, “They’ve been gone awfully long.”

“They’re fine.” Maedhros answered, idly fiddling the zipper in his pants, smiling down at Erestor.

Ersetor caught on, looking over his shoulder at the sleeping rivendell elves, gingerly pulling Maedhros’ hardening cock out from under the fabric. Giving it a light lick, he looked up at Maedhros again, “If you really was sure they were alright, you wouldn’t sit up all night. You look exhausted.”

“I’m fine.” Maedhros leaned back against the rock and wiggled a little out of his pants, just to give Erestor better access. “Are you gonna talk, or suck me off?” He asked bluntly. Ersetor blinked a little hurt? Annoyed? Maedhros couldn’t tell, but what he could tell was how delicious it felt when the other elf took him in his mouth. “Besides..” Maedhros said, petting Erestor’s hair. “You shouldn’t worry your pretty little head with things like that.” He grabbed Erestor’s hair, and tugged.

He heard them when they entered camp, he opened an eye and smiled at Elladan’s tussled hair, and Haldir’s dishellved appearance. He had been right, alright. He closed his eye again, his hand still resting on Erestor’s head, he tried to hear what Haldir and Elladan said, but he couldn’t really focus on it, not that he really cared. But one thing was sure, he would never let Haldir hear the end of it. And just out of spite, he didn’t warn Erestor as he came. Instead he grabbed a hard hold of the elf’s head and held him in place, shooting his load in Erestor’s throat. He let go of the furious Noldo right away, smiling at Erestor’s expression. “Hey, you got something between your teeth.” He said, blinking.

Erestor was less than amused. “Asshole.” He hissed.

“So i’ve been told.” Maedhros said, watching as Erestor went and laid down at the far end of camp.

~*~

“Do you think he saw us?” Elladan whispered, lowering himself down on his sleeping mat.

“Don’t be naïve, Elladan.” Haldir answered in a clipped tone. “Of course he saw us.”

“Come on man, he was sorta busy.” Elladan agued in a hushed tone. “It is kinda nice of him he took the guard shift.”

Haldir had laid down, and now popped up on an elbow, staring at Elladan. “Nice isn’t the word i’d use.” He laid down with a soft sigh. “Besides if he didn’t see anything, that damn horse of his did, and i’m sure it will have a field day.”

“Badger?” Elladan asked, he was too tired to question a ludicious statement like that.

“I swear that thing has had it in for me since day one.” Haldir whispered.

“Go to sleep, you’re being paranoid.” Elladan mumbled, turning his back on Haldir.

-TBC.

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