Title; Play dead.
Warnings: Language, crack.
Summary; When zombie apocalypse hits Middle earth, who will they call upon to set things straight? Well the finest of the finest of warriors of course.
AN; Okay so I had this silly idea of Zombies and Elves, and since EJ jumped right onto that idea, we decided to try and write it. It’s been too long since any of us wrote a crack fic.
Baby..did you forget to take your meds?
Baby..did you forget to take your meds?
Baby..did you forget to take your meds?
Baby..did you forget to take your meds?
I was alone, falling free, trying my best not to forget.
Cursing under his breath Maedhros found himself in the garden of Imladris, he sighed and looked at Elladan, ”I think it would be real stupid to build a pyre.” And before Elladan could object, Maedhros continued, ”A fire would maybe attract more of those things.”
Elladan nodded as it made sense but he wasn’t really buying it.
”Look kiddo.” Maedhros said and in a genuine affectionate moment laid his hand on Elladan’s shoulder, ”We should bury them as men, like the Dunedain did. Practical, and much less flashy than a huge fire.”
”It makes sense.” Elladan reasoned, ”But i don’t think any of the other elves here will accept it.”
”Hey man, we could always torch the last homely house instead. Would save us the trouble too.” Maedhros smiled, ruffling Elladan’s hair. ”In case you didn’t notice, you are the lord now, and you can do as you fucking please.” When Elladan still looked a little insecure, Maedhros shook his head amused, ”Take it from me kid, it doesn’t make you popular to rule, but why the fuck should you care what those dipshits in there think? You have to think about what is most practical, and this are times of war, you don’t have enough warriors in there to risk attracting a fuckton of those undead things, do you?” He smiled, ”Not unless you hid some away in the basement or something.”
Elladan chuckled softly. ”You’re right.” He admitted, ”Let’s go fetch those shovels.”
”Of course i am fucking right.” Maedhros snorted, ”I’m always right, kid.”
They walked to the gardeners quarters, thinking that a shovel had to be there. Suddenly something struck Elladan, ”Uhm.. can you even.. you know, dig?”
”If i can dig?” Maedhros laughed amused, ”Dig what?”
”I mean dig a hole you idiot.” Elladan sighed.
”If i can hold a shovel?” Maedhros answered clipped, absentminded rubbing his armstump. ”Oh i don’t know, try handing the cripple a spoon, and he can try and dig you a hole.” Maedhros frowned but didn’t stop walking towards the shed.
”Sorry.” Elladan offered lamely, ”I just wasn’t sure.”
Maedhros bit down a bitter reply and shrugged, ”Beats me, kid. Can’t say that digging holes is what i did the most.”
Elladan tried the door to the gardeners quarters, and found it locked. ”Crap.” He growled. And to Maedhros’ delight, the young elf just kicked in the door instead. ”He wont mind.” He said softly, ”He died as one of the first.”
Maedhros didn’t answer he just walked into the darkness with Elladan. Maedhros picked up a big meat hook that the gardener had used to hang stuff on from his ceiling. ”Dude, I always wanted a hook, that would be fucking fierce!” He turned the meat hook in his hand.
Elladan just rose a eyebrow and returned to his search for shovels.
”Figure it would get stuck in everything tho.” Maedhros looked thoughtfully at the hook, ”Maybe it is a crap idea.”
”You think?” Elladan laughed, as he finally found a couple of shovels, he handed one to Maedhros, who just silently took it, abandoning the hook.
Despite being terribly cocky earlier, Maedhros had to admit that he couldn’t operate a shovel, and with an annoyed snarl he gave up. ”You know what kiddo? Best part of being lord is that you can get your subjects to do the manual labor.” He tossed the shovel and stomped into the hall of the last homely house, he scanned the room and picked out an elf that looked like he was fairly healthy, ”You got dig-chore. Come on!” He had a hold of the elf’s neck, guiding the more than surprised elf out the house, and as they came to where Elladan was painfully slowly digging a grave, Maedhros pushed the elf forward. ”Now dig.”
The elf just stood and stared at him, completely baffled. Even Elladan stared at Maedhros in shock, he then placed a hand on the elfs shoulder, ”I’m sorry friend, Maedhros apparently walked with dinosaurs, and doesn’t get out much.” Elladan shot Maedhros a sharp glare, and Maedhros didn’t even have the dignity to look guilty. ”Would you please help with this?” Elladan asked the elf. The elf shrugged, but looked nervously at Maedhros as he started to dig.
Erestor came running out of the last homely house, ”What do you think you’re doing?” He asked upset by the power display of the old elf.
”You too?” Maedhros sighed, ”Look we need someone to dig a hole, and i found someone to dig it, end of story.”
”Just.. just leave it be.” Elladan said directed at Erestor.
Maedhros stood there for a moment in silence, ”Why don’t I carry them here?” He opted for a boyish smile at Erestor, ”Lend us a hand?”
Maybe he had been a little rash, but not even the Valar themselves would ever get Maedhros to admit that, he just hated to admit his shortcomings. ”So?” He heard Erestor say softly from the other side of the bed, and realised he might have drifted off for a moment, but he was just so damn tired now. ”So?” Maedhros said looking at Erestor with an inquisitive brow.
”I mean, what now?” Erestor quickly glanced down at Glorfindel that was rolled completely in the comforter.
”What the hell do you mean; what now?” Maedhros leaned in over dead Glorfindel, ”Now we haul his dead ass down into the garden and dump him in a hole. For an advisor you sure are stupid.”
”No rites or anything?” Erestor asked a little timidly, not wanting to anger Maedhros that towered a good bit taller than him, not to mention his fabled temper.
”If you want to, i suppose.” Maedhros shrugged, Erestor nodded and they grabbed the dead elf by shoulders and feet, Maedhros struggled with getting a decent hold, but in the end they managed to carry Glorfindel downstairs and outside. And without a word they went inside again to get Elrond.
As they came out again, Elladan wiped his forehead and leaned on the shovel, ”I don’t know, it feels wrong to not give them a proper pyre.”
”We could always have a decent wake.” Maedhros said. And when all elves just stared at him, Maedhros took a deep breath, but stopped again as he saw Haldir walking towards them, he looked at the hole and up at Maedhros, he wanted to voice his disagreement, but he couldn’t argue with the logic, so he kept silent, instead he leaned over and whispered to Erestor, ”Go fetch the others in the hall.” And helped Elladan hoist the bodies into the hole.
Erestor came back with the handful of surviving Rivendell elves, and looked at the grave. And as Elladan had predicted most were mortified that their beloved lord and his seneshal didn’t get a decent pyre. Elladan looked over at Maedhros for help, who in turn looked over at Haldir who just shook his head. Maedhros stepped forth, clearing his throat. ”Alright folks.” He announced, ”I realise that some of you, okay so -all- of you find this slightly unorthodox, but you have to put your faith in Elladan and that he does what is best.”
”With all do respect,” An female elf said, ”We have faith in Elladan, we just question his council.”
Maedhros’ eyes flared with anger, ”Look lady!” He pointed at the female elf, ”He doesn’t risk a pyre to keep your ass safe, and it’s not like those two.” He nodded at the grave with the two dead elves in. ”-Gives a flying fuck, they are dead, we are alive, and lets keep it that way, shall we, miss?”
The Female elf didn’t argue, but she didn’t look happy about it. And Maedhros just looked at Elladan and turned around and walked towards the last homely house.
A good thirty minutes later Haldir came back into the hall, spotting Maedhros who sat and slept in a armchair. ”YO!” he yelled, causing Maedhros to jolt back to life.
”Maan, that was a dirty trick.” Maedhros grumbled and sat up straight, rubbing his face.
”I could have yelled BALROG.” Haldir snickered and sat down next to Maedhros in front of the fireplace, ”So why did you leave? Don’t tell me that chick drove you off.”
Maedhros took a deep breath and reached for the bottle of wine at his feet. ”I just didn’t see the point in staying.”
”Come now, can you blame these elves for not trusting you?” Haldir said softly.
”No.” Maedhros just stated, taking a sip of his bottle.
Haldir just stared deadpanned on Maedhros, who frowned, ”What do you want from me? I just shot my foster child square in the face.” A little stupid smile tugged in the corner of his lips, ”And all i got was this lousy t shirt.”
Haldir groaned, ”Gimme some of that.” He held his hand out for the bottle.
”No way, get your booze where you get your ass.” Maedhros clutched the bottle, but then laughed and handed the bottle to Haldir who just waited patiently. ”You’re no fun, you know that right?” Maedhros whined.
”So I’ve been told.” Haldir said annoyed, tasting the wine. ”And you are the most annoying elf i ever met.”
”My cousin Turgon once beat the crap out of me for saying the same annoying sound during an entire dinner service.” Maedhros chuckled, ”Papa was furious that i lost to that girly-boy.”
Haldir wet this lips, ”That other elf you buried used to live in Gondolin.”
”Oh.” Maedhros looked thoughtful for a moment, ”Then he was probably a fuckwit, they were elitist, cowardly, bastards the lot of them.”
Haldir just shook his head, ”He was a hero. The Valar granted him..” He caught himself before he finished that sentence, and just took another sip of the wine.
Maedhros chuckled amused, ”My point exactly.”
”Why are you such a judgmental, asshole,” Haldir grimaced as he swallowed the wine. It wasn’t Elrond’s best, hell, it was probably the stuff he saved to serve to annoying dignitaries he couldn’t get to go home. It was half vinegar.
Maddy snorted with laughter at Haldir’s sour face. ”And why are you such an uptight prude?” He took back the bottle and tossed it aside. He knew there had to be something better around here. As he looked for better wine, he kept poking at Haldir. ”You afraid that if you get laid, you’ll like it too much or some shit.”
He tossed an unopened bottle at Haldir, who surprised him by catching it easily. ”Gods, have you even even had sex?” It was actually an honest question.
Haldir blushed deeply and snapped back, ”I’m married you fuckwit, of course I am not a virgin.”
Maddy let the second bottle he held in his hand drop to the floor. He mouth hung open. ”M-married?” He stammer. ”You are married? And you didn’t even both to mention you had a wife until just now?”
”Husband actually,” Haldir admitted, still blushing.
”Now I know you are shitting me,” Maedhros grabbed the bottle again and sat back in the chair as Haldir pulled up a second one.
”Why do you say that? Being judgmental again?” Haldir tried to sound casual, but he was actually a little hurt that Maddy was so shocked.
”Yes, I am,” maddy said proudly. ”You try so damn hard to come across all stuck up and perfect, and now I find out you’re just another damned ass pirate like everyone else.”
It was Haldir’s turn to look shocked. ”There is no need to talk like that,” he said primly and took another swig from the bottle in his hand. This stuff was MUCH better and much stronger.
”And THAT is what I am talking about!” Maddy said with triumph, as if Haldir had just admitted to something big. ”You act like you never heard of sex, and then tell me you are married? It is absurd!”
Haldir glared at him and kept drinking. He was beginning to wonder if he drank enough, if Maddy would go away.
”What in the hell happened to you to make you such a prude,” Maddy pressed on. He never really cared if he pissed anyone off. However, he got more than he bargained for.
”You really want to know?” Haldir asked. ”You want to know what my life was like?”
Maddy made a carry on gesture and leaned back in his chair, drinking from his own bottle of wine. ”Do tell,” he said mockingly. ”Tell me about your pathetic life as some rich guys son.”
Haldir snorted and rolled his eyes. ”I wish,” He said bitterly. ”I had two brothers. Well half-brothers,” he admitted. ”My mother was not known for being monogamous. I cannot tell you how many different ellon and even men she brought home. Every night it was someone new.” He refused to look up at the now quiet Maddy. ”For a while, we were not even sure that my youngest brother, Rumil, was even an elf. We were beginning to think he father had been a human. Turns out we were wrong, he was just an unusually clumsy child.” – ”It probably had more to do with how much she drank while she was pregnant with him then who his father was. She drank all the time, pregnant or not.” He blushed harder, as if telling the story embarrassed him. ”She lived for sex. The noises that came out of her room every night were enough to make any elfling blush!” He glanced up quickly, expecting a snide comment or another jibe.
Maddy was quiet, listening. ”Where are your brothers now?” He asked when the pause went on too long.
Haldir looked down again, but it was too late, Maddy saw the tears in his eyes. ”They died. They were both some of the first to catch it in Lorien.” He finally managed to get out and took another drink. ”All three of us were on the border when the first infected came across. Of course we had no idea what was wrong with them when that came staggering into the forest. Orophin immediately went to help them and got savagely bitten in the process.” Haldir had to pause again, took another swig, the bottle was almost empty, so he reached across and grabbed Maddy’s and took a drink from it. ”He died that night, but not before he infected Rumil.”
”How did you not get infected?” Maddy asked, surprisingly gently. ”How have you managed to stay uninfected all this time?” it was a question that had been bothering him. It seemed like more than good luck that had kept Haldir healthy.
”It seems that I may be immune to at least most strains.” He admitted.
”I didn’t even know that was possible!” Maddy sat back to think. The implications were huge. They could maybe use Haldir’s blood to make others immune. His mind wandered over the possibilities until he realized that he was drunk and had no idea how to go about making a vaccine. What a shame, he thought. It was a great idea. ”So you are telling me,” Maddy tried to get back to the matter at hand. ”That you are a stuck up prude, because your mother was an alcoholic nymphomaniac?”
Disgusted, Haldir got up from his chair and tried to get his balance. ”I know you would just end up making a joke out of it. I should have never told you.” He snapped, as much as was possible when you were slurring as badly as he was.
The inebriated ellon started to make his wobbly way across the room when Maddy realized he had another question. ”Wait! Where is your husband, and better yet, who is he?”
Haldir made a rude gesture and and uttered what may have been an obscenity, but it was too slurred to tell. Maddy started to laugh.
”I do not believe I have ever seen him that drunk,” a soft voice said behind Maedhros.
Maddy turned around to find Erestor standing just inside the door way, staring after the weaving Haldir.
”We’ve all had a bad day,” Maedhros said.
”Yes,” The soft voice again. ”There is that.” The counselor seemed distracted, still staring the way the Lorien elf had gone.
”Where you here for a reason?” Maddy was feeling pretty drunk himself right now and wasn’t in the mood for a long conversation.
”I had been looking for you, actually” Erestor finally said.