Play Dead – Chapter 04/? – Ride faster, I hear banjos.

Authors; Azzy & Erestorjunkie.
Title; Play dead.
Fandom; LoTr
Rating: M
WIP; 4/?
Warnings: Language, crack.
Summary; When zombie apocalypse hits Middle earth, who will they call upon to set things straight? Well the finest of the finest of warriors of course.
AN; Okay so I had this silly idea of Zombies and Elves, and since EJ jumped right onto that idea, we decided to try and write it. It’s been too long since any of us wrote a crack fic.

Chapter 04/? – Ride faster, I hear banjos.

When I walk on by, girls be looking like damn he fly
I pay to the beat, walking on the street in my new lafreak, yeah
This is how I roll, animal print, pants out control,
It’s real fool with the big afro
They like bruce lee rock at the club

Haldir walked back into the makeshift camp they set up, smiling proud as he carried a dead rabbit by its hind legs. Maedhros poked the fire refusing to acknowledge that Haldir had in fact provided dinner pretty fast, probably faster than he could.

”Did you get something besides that cadaver?” Maedhros asked without as much as blinking.

”Eh no?” Haldir just stood there looking confused, Eru he hated that red haired menace for sucking the victory out of every single moment that should have been his. ”Should I?”

Maedhros put down the stick he had used to stir the fire and looked up at Haldir, ”I don’t eat anything with a face.”


”I’m vegetarian.” Maedhros confessed.

”Come again? You what?” Haldir sputtered, ”You could have told me that before i went through all this shit to get this damn rabbit!” He shook the dead rabbit, letting it dangle over the fireplace between them. ”Shit, you did that on purpose.” Haldir managed to get out between clenched teeth.

Maedhros rose a brow, ”I just didn’t think about it.”

Haldir just stared in disbelief on the Fëanorian. ”You didn’t think about it? That is sorta a major thing! Plus when i said I’d go hunt dinner, did you seriously think I’d go hunt berries?”

”Look,” Maedhros argued sourly, ”I had a very long day.” He pointed towards the dead rabbit in Haldir’s hand, ”Eat your dead animal, I’m gonna find something myself.”

”Suit yourself.” Haldir huffed, squatting down to carve the pelt off.

”Gross.” Maedhros mumbled before he stood and disappeared off into the bushes.


The rabbit was frying on the fire, and everything was calm, when Maedhros came back with his hands full of something that Haldir had no idea what was. Maedhros sat down and started to sort the leafs, berries and nuts. ”Arrowroot, Eru i hate that shit.” He mumbled, as he started chewing on something while wincing. He swallowed with great discomfort, ”I hate survival eating.”

”I would too if i had to eat the bloody vegetation.” Haldir said with a little amused shake of his head.

”I’ll let you know that once i ate of fucking gold plates.” Maedhros argued hotly, picking out something else, eating it.

”No doubt you did.” Haldir snorted.

”Dude, our house had the best cook ever.” Maedhros said dreamily, ”I swear she knew magic or something, cause i never had that good food again in my life. The kitchen aid we had at Himring was fucking imbeciles in comparison.”

Haldir sighed inwardly but decided that conversation might strengthen their relationship, and no matter how crude and horrible a companion he might find the Fëanorian, he knew that they had to make this work, and these were the cards he had been dealt. ”I can’t even imagine.”

Maedhros’ face split in a shiteating grin. ”My dad made me take violin lessons, he had gotten this idea into his head that i was musically gifted, and no matter how much Maglor would plead with him that he was the musically gifted one, papa wouldn’t hear of it, and continued to make me take those damn lessons.” Maedhros laughed softly at the memory, ”I’m sure it sounded mostly like a cat dying in agony.”

Haldir looked up for a second, ”If i remember my history correctly, then weren’t your brother the bard, Maglor who wrote the Noldolantë?”

Maedhros nodded, ”Yeah, well he did eventually get to study music.” He smiled again, ”See, papa wondered why my music skills didn’t improve, and he decided to come by one afternoon to supervise the lesson himself.” Maedhros chuckled, and leaned forward. ”He found me fucking my teacher, bend over the teachers desk.”

”Eru! What then?” Haldir asked honestly shocked.

”He pulled me out by hair, cursing me out.” Maedhros shrugged, ”And he punished me by grounding me for a long time, and taking away my music lessons.”

”He didn’t fire your teacher?” Haldir asked.

”Nope.” Maedhros snickered, ”Apparently the poor sod had convinced my papa that i was blackmailing him, forcing him to do these unnatural acts.” Maedhros ran his hand through his short hair. ”I never blackmailed him, I might have let a comment fall about how my dad would kill him if he knew that he was fucking his firstborn. But hey it was not like he was complaining, more like screaming my name in ecstasy.” He laughed.

Haldir blushed a little. And turned his head so Maedhros wouldn’t see.

”Papa’s anger didn’t last, it never really did.” Maedhros shrugged, ”He had these tantrums, and if you were smart you ran and hid till it was over. But he never really punished any of us. But i suppose that would require a minimum of attention from his side to follow up on something like that.” Maedhros said, unable to hide the bitterness in his voice. ”We wore clothes that was more expensive than what our servants would make in a year, we had the best horses and the best help. And i suppose that every time my mama got too difficult to deal with, he’d knock her up or something.” Maedhros looked away and down at the ground, ”Maybe it’s a good thing i never had a wife or children.”

Haldir almost agreed vocally, but opted against it. Strange to hear this tone in Maedhros’ voice, he didn’t know why, but he just didn’t expect to find it there.

Maedhros looked up at Haldir who was poking the rabbit on the fire, trying to find out if it was done. ”You have family?”

Haldir nodded, ”Two brothers, Rumil and Orophin.” He smiled a little sad, ”And our mother. If you can even call her that.”

Maedhros nodded in understanding. But something in Haldir’s voice told him not to pursue the topic. Maedhros looked up into the starry sky. ”It’s just so fucking surreal that Maglor should end up being the reason for the end of days.” He smiled sadly, ”He loved life. I mean isn’t that poetic justice?”

”Maybe.” Haldir said pulling the rabbit off the fire, starting to eat. ”I didn’t know him.”

”I was told that he had been buried somewhere around Mirkwood, and that some mortal scientists had found his grave by accident.” Maedhros said, finally picking up something else from his pile and eating it.

”That is what i was told too.” Haldir mumbled while munching.

”It’s just so fucking funny that he of all should end up infecting the world with a deadly virus.” Maedhros snickered. ”He who wouldn’t even fuck a hooker because he was afraid of disease. I swear i don’t know how he dealt with the blue balls he must have had.” Maedhros shrugged again. ”It’s impossible to jerk off that much, man. And i should know after -”

”Tmi!” Haldir held up a hand slick with meat juice to stop Maedhros from talking. ”Eru!”

”Sorry man.” Maedhros snickered, and Haldir was sure he wasn’t sorry at all.

Haldir finished eating the roasted rabbit as he sulked. Why had Maedhros told him all that? Surely he could have gone the rest of his life not knowing any of that. Was the reborn elf trying to actually open up to him, or was it just another game?

His life growing up had been so different than Maddy’s. It seemed preposterous. How could anyone be that rich?

Still mulling over what Maddy had told him, Haldir began checking and cleaning the guns he carried with him. He gave Badger a glare over the fire. Maedhros had laughed at him when he said the horse had damaged his motorcycle on purpose, but he was certain there was malicious intent in the beasts eyes.

As wood elf, he had never had much use for horses, and he did not trust this one at all. Even if it was a Meara. Especially since it was a Meara.

”So tell me how this works,” Maedhros interrupted Haldir’s train of thought. ”We go out and find poor sods who have somehow managed to not become zombie chow, and swoop in to save the day and whisk them off to a fulfilling life of poverty and despair at the Havens?”

Haldir stared at his companion in shocked silence for a moment, his mouth actually hanging open. ”No, dipshit,” he finally snapped, his wits returning. ”We find uninfected survivors and escort than to the Grey Havens where they can be defended more easily. It is a mess right now, but once we start moving people across the ocean, things will improve.”

Meadhros rolled his eyes theatrically. ”Same difference.” Haldir put aside the weapon he had been cleaning and looked at the elf across from him. ”If you don’t want to be here, just say so, you can get on your psycho horse and ride your merry ass into the sunset for all I care, I have been doing just fine with out your help, thank you very much.”

”Apparently the Valar did not think so, since they sent me.” Maddy snapped back.

”Fuck off!” Haldir shouted and leapt to his feet. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do, but Meadhros stood up too, and now they were face to face over the camp fire. ”You have no idea what has been happening out here. And you certainly have no idea what I’ve been doing so you can either shut the fuck up or get the fuck out.” He expected the Fëanorian to get angry, take a seeing at him, shout at him, something. What he didn’t expect was the deep warm laughter that bubbled up put of the handsome elf’s throat.

”Then tell me, or great one of the unimaginative profanity,” He snickered again and sat back down on the rocky ground. ”Tell me what has been happening. Tell me what you have been doing.”

Haldir sputtered and floundered for a second. ”What difference does it make?” He finally said petulantly. ”You do not really care what happens to these people.” Haldir sat heavily again and put his face in his hands. ”This is just a vacation from being dead for you.”

”Good point,” Maddy said almost cheerfully, ”But tell me anyway.”

”Well.” Haldir said hesitating a little, ”When the infection hit, we all thought it was only the mortals that would be inflicted, so we didn’t worry. After all it would solve a shit load of problems amirite?” He smiled a little amused, ”But when the first information about infected in Rivendell came, we worried. When it hit Mirkwood, we were scared, and when it completely consumed Lothlorien, we were doomed.”

Maedhros opened his mouth to say something smartassed, but decided against it, and resigned to just listen, which wasn’t exactly his strongest feat.

”We tried to fend it off, but in the end it was just impossible, i was on patrol with my brothers when we got separated, i searched, and Eru i turned over many silver haired dead elf to see if it was them, or hesitated shooting one for the same reason. -But.. When i got back to Lothlorien everything was gone, everyone was dead or uhm.. shall we call it reanimated. I can only assume that the infection spread like wildfire there, after we left to defend the borders. Somehow one of those foul things slipped past us.” Haldir paused, ”I mean the place was obliterated! Nothing left. I searched for my brothers but found pockets of other elves i knew cowering, praying.”

Maedhros nodded, he could somewhat relate, even if the whole undead part was new.

”So i took them with me, rounding up as many weapons as we could, and set out to find a safe place. We came by a human village where none of us would normally go, but this day we had to go through, and a woman came running at me, i almost shot her because she startled me. But then she hugged me, holding on so tight i had to peel her off. She talked plenty rubbish, but as she dragged me along i saw she had hidden a bunch of kids in a house.” He smiled a little, ”And so we took them all with us.”

”How did you know to go to the Grey Havens?” Maedhros asked.

”I read a notice.” Haldir chuckled, ”They are all over the place. Apparently as the whole thing hit, the Valar was already trying to round up their own.”

”Ah okay.” Maedhros nodded again.

Haldir’s expression hardened, ”We were twenty that set out from Lothlorien, and with the woman and children, we were twenty eight. Six of us made it to the Grey Havens quarantine. Six! It was a bloody massacre, those who weren’t killed by stray undead, subcame to disease and being exposed to the elements.” He looked directly at Maedhros, ”Did you know that elves could contract pneumonia?”

”No.” He said, ”Maybe you guys interbred so long with the mortals that-”

”Very funny! But this is not fucking funny! Are you even listening to what i am telling you?” Haldir spat angrily. ”Out of twenty eight only six made it.”

”Admitted that is a shitty prognosis.” Maedhros scratched his chin. ”What about the elves from Lothlorien? Were they all in good health?”

”No.” Haldir admitted, ”Some were already infected, but we didn’t know how it worked at all, so we just thought they were in shock or something.”

”See?” Maedhros said with a big smile, ”Had they been twenty eight soldiers you would have made it with a minimum loss. So all things’ relative.”

”Children woke from that catatonic state and tore pieces of their grieving parents!” Haldir yelled, pointing accusing at Maedhros, ”Don’t you fucking give me the ‘all things’ relative’ speech, you weren’t there!”

”Look, buddy. It’s not like i never saw what war and death looks like.” He said in a moments seriousness.”And you can scream at me all you want, it still doesn’t change the fact that I’m right. And you know it.”

Haldir just stared at Maedhros, mouth agape.

”Don’t look at me like that.”

Haldir shook his head in disbelief, and got up and walked to his bedroll, ”You take first shift.”



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