Title; Play dead.
Warnings: Language, crack.
Summary; When zombie apocalypse hits Middle earth, who will they call upon to set things straight? Well the finest of the finest of warriors of course.
AN; Okay so I had this silly idea of Zombies and Elves, and since EJ jumped right onto that idea, we decided to try and write it. It’s been too long since any of us wrote a crack fic.
Chapter 03 – Meeting the undead.
Some boys are filling, some boys are filling the hole
They’re making the killing at the top of the billings
Their role, and that’s all that they know
-Death cab for cutie.
Maedhros, and Badger the horse both stood and stared amused at Haldir as he prepared his bike for the trip. Maedhros bit down a snicker, he wasn’t gonna state the obvious, that a motorbike was not the best means of transportation, but he figured he’d let Haldir figure that one out for himself, after all, Haldir was after all his teacher, even if Maedhros found it downright ridiculous, it was apparently a condition of his temporary parole. Elf and horse looked at each other and for the first time ever they were in total agreement, if you can be in agreement with anything with hoofs. ”I hear you. Man.” Maedhros said, patting the horse on his broad neck.
”Were you saying something?” Haldir asked looking up from sorting the saddlebags on his bike.
”Nope.” Maedhros said with a little knowing smile, crossing his arms over his chest and just watching Haldir as he seemingly color coordinated everything from food to ammo. Actually he was surprised he didn’t apply little stickers with dates too. If they had been on talking terms he would have asked the stupid treehugger what the hell he needed all that shit for, but they weren’t, so he just waited for Haldir to finish.
Haldir took a step back to admire his work with packing the bike most efficient, according to him. ”Alright.” He said as he made clicked his tongue. ”Lets hit the road.”
”Lets.” Maedhros nodded and just hoped that Badger would behave as he swung himself unto the horses back. Maedhros didn’t use a saddle, but kept the reins. He could tell that Badger wasn’t happy about it, and he had tried to explain his silent companion that it was just for a while, till they got to know each other better. He had however left the reins laying across the hoses neck, not holding them. He just wasn’t used to riding a horse with all this stupid crap attached to it. ”Yanno Badger ol’ chum, in my days, if a horse didn’t just do as it’s master demanded it would be shot dead on the spot, and if it was big and fat like you, probably eaten for dinner.” Maedhros said to the horse as he made himself comfortable on it’s back, making sure all daggers, rifles and handguns were strapped in as they were supposed to before they left. Badger however didn’t really just take that for face value, and turned it’s giant head and just stared at Maedhros. ”It’s true!” Maedhros said with a shrug, ”My dad went through riding horses faster than other elves change pants.” He smiled devilish ”Fine! Don’t believe me, all I’m saying is; try me.”
Haldir sat on his bike, pulling his goggles on, ”Are you talking to the damn horse?” He asked slightly disturbed.
”I’d be careful about calling him a horse.” Maedhros said with an arrogant smirk, ”He is meara.”
”Oh.” Haldir rolled his eyes, ”So were you talking to the meara?”
”Sure.” Maedhros nodded, and rested a hand on the horses neck, ”Lets go.” He said. Badger turned it’s head and looked at him again like saying ‘are you shitting me?’ Maedhros closed his eyes annoyed, ”Pretty please with a cherry on top?” And that apparently jolted the huge horse into action, and it began to slowly trod out of the quarantine zone Grey Haven.
Haldir just sighed and gassed the motorbike, ”Eru, the horse is just as crazy as he is.” He mumbled speeding up to catch up with Maedhros and Badger.
The road was deserted when Haldir stopped his bike to wait for Maddy to catch up on Badger. The Meara was faster than a normal horse, but it had no interest in keeping pace with a motorcycle.
A loud insect buzzed by his head and tangled in his fine pale hair. Haldir sighed and gently pulled the fluttering creature free and prompted it to leave by tossing it into the wind. The trip had been quiet so far, no people, living or dead, had been seen all morning.
Briefly, he allowed himself to hope that the worst was now past and a measure of sanity could return. In his heart, he knew he was lying to himself.
A dot on n the horizon turn into a line, then a form and finally Maedhros perched atop Badger, serenely looking around like a tourist on a bus tour of the countryside.
”Took you long enough,” Haldir snapped as he started the bike’s engine back up. It roared and coughed like a sick lion. ”I thought you said this nag was a Maera.” He snarked as Badger lazily swung his tail back and forth to dislodge flies.
The day had gotten warm and Maddy was starting to feel peevish. This was not what he expected. Somehow he had not imagined himself tromping through the country side with sissy boy of the forest for a companion.
Badger swung his head back and looked his rider in the eye.
”Go ahead,” he said mildly, failing to hide the smirk on his lips.
”Fine,” Haldir snapped, ”I will. I’ll just wait for you when I find a good place to stop for the night.”
”I wasn’t talking to you, jack wagon,” Maddy replied. ”I was talking to Badger.”
Haldir didn’t have a chance to as what that meant, Badger answered the question by stretching his long neck out and grabbing a mouthful of blond hair and yanking.
”Son of a dwarven whore!” Haldir smacked in effectively at the beast and glared at Maddy.
What ever creative bit of venom Haldir had planned was stopped by what came over the rise next. Shambling undead feet stirred a cloud of dust and insects as the zombies came over the top of the hill. A faint moaning sound drifted toward them on the breeze.
”I should have know it too good to be true,” Haldir scolded himself. ”Maddy, if you want to see a camp tonight, you best get moving.” Haldir had already unslung an array of shotguns and one semi-automatic rifle from the retraining straps on his bike and began sighting his quarry.
”Lesson, number one,” He tried to keep his breathing steady, not let the panic and revulsion that came with seeing the grotesque walking corpses always brought. ”Aim for the head. Any where else may slow them down, but a head shot is the only way to stop them completely.”
”What in the bloody hell!?” Maedhros was struck still for a moment. He could not process what he was seeing. A dozen or more people we moving toward them at a slow pace, most were pale a corpses, and some seemed to be missing key parts. Some had lost eyes, or am arm, or even one, a foot, he clomped along on the ragged stump as if he felt no pain.
The maimed bodies made him beifly glance at his own damaged arm, but there was no time for any further reflection. Haldir had already taken down three of the things before he got out a rifle and aimed at his first target, a woman it looked like. Long pale hair came down to her waist in tangled knots clumped with blood and dirt.
He pulled the trigger and felt the sick satisfaction of seeing the body drop instantly. Another fell to Haldir and two more in rapid succession.
”What ever you do, so not let them close enough to touch you. It is spread through contact with bodily fluids, and trust me, they bite,” The light haired elf dropped another. Maddy was now determined to show this cocky wood elf that he was as good a shot and quickly fired off 4 rounds. Three hit their mark and blew the heads off of three dead men walking in a stumbling zig zag toward their miniature convoy. The fourth went wide and struck a stocky looking young man in the shoulder. As predicted, he kept moving toward them. No blood flowed from the wound and no pain showed on the blank, slack jawed face.
Badger pranced uncomfortable under him. It was not the gun shots the bothered the steed, it was the proximity of the zombies. Badger wanted nothing to do with the rotting things. Things this rotten should be laying on the ground for coyotes to roll on, not walking toward him.
The final zombie fell to the dust and Haldir carefully lowered the gun. He scanned the horizons for more dead, but found the scene as still as it had been when he was waiting for Maddy to catch up.
”What in the name of all that is holy and foul was that?” Maddy shouted. ”Where did these things come from, and what the fuck are they?!” Now that the initial danger had passed, Maedhros felt anger spilling over him. It had always been his way of burning off the extra adrenaline from a fight.
”That,” Haldir ignored the irate tone and calmly began to repack the guns. Discharge weapons furthest from him, ready to use ones closest. ”was a pack of zombies.”
Maddy lept from Badger’s back and threw himself at the much to calm elf by the bike. ”Zombies?!” You said ”Zombies?” He jabbed a finger and Haldir’s chest. ” Just what exactly is a mother fucking zombie you piece of shit, arrogant little bastard!”
Haldir shoved the hand aside and pulled a long fine blade from a a scabbard on the bike. ”Come with me and I will show you.” He was determined not to let the fiery red haired elf get to him. He needed to keep his head if they were going to make it all the way to Mirkwood together.
He carefully approached the first one still corpse. It was too close to them for his comfort. ”A zombie is a dead body that dosen’t know it is dead,” He explained as he nudged the body with his foot, a piece of rotten meat slid from the arm where his boot pressed, leaving yellow bone to show in the bright light. ”They have no conscious thought and no compassion.” he continued. ”They only care about eating. And what they want to eat is you and me.”
Maddy stooped to get a closer look at the body. If he had not just seen it up and walking toward him he would have sworn it had been dead for days, maybe even a week. The putrefying flesh and fly blown skin made him nauseated.
”Don’t touch it,” Haldir warned. ”So far we have only been able to prove that it is contact with saliva, but I wouldn’t risk any contact if I were you.” Maddy wrinkled his nose in disgust and stood. He would not give Haldir the satisfaction of letting him see how deeply these things disturbed him.
”So what are you doing with your little toy there,” he sneered at the thin blade.
”Just watch,” Haldir said shortly and started going from body to body. It wasn’t until his 5th body that he found what he needed to. A slight movement of a finger was his only warning before the confused corpse made a lunge for his leg. The blade flashed in the sunlight and cleanly severed the had before it had a chance to touch him.
”They can not think,” Haldir explained, ”but they can be stunned. Sometimes they are not a dead as you want them to be.”
None of the other zombies proved to be simply immobile and Haldir fastidiously wiped the blade on the ground. ”I will sterilize this in the fire tonight.”
Haldir headed back toward his bike.
”Like fuck,” Maddy refused to let the other walk off so quickly. ”You need to tell me what these are and where they came from. Don’t just say zombie and expect me to know what the fuck you are talking about.”
”We can talk about it more tonight after we set up camp,” Haldir said tiredly. He had lost any interest he had in talking to Maddy about it now. ”I will. . .”
Whatever Haldir was going to do, he never said, he stood open mouthed staring at his bike. Badger, left to his own devices while the elves had been making sure the dead were really dead had taken the time to saunter over to the motorcycle and chew strips of rubber off the tires and somehow even manged to make sure the rear tire was completely flat.
”Looks like you may have a flat tire,” Maddy said dryly as Badger snorted in amusement.