prompt: 137 – Last.
Wip: (story archive)
warnings: oh my.. language.. lame, i know.
Characters: Seth, Ferris
authors note: OMG it’s the last chapter. Now I hope I didn’t disappoint you, and I hope you had as much fun reading along as I had writing it. I will say it again, it is not the last we saw of either Seth or Ferris as I have a prompts table to finish, but it will be in a different form, and not within the restrictions of a strict timeline. I know I should say something more, given this is the 114th chapter of this story, the story that was supposed to be about 6 chapters in the beginning. But I have nothing to say, other than Woot! I actually managed to finish! Written for simfic50
// I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
But though you’re still with me
I’ve been alone all along. //
Walking through those doors again was one of the hardest things Ferris had ever had to do. He hated this place, hated it’s muffled sounds, like the building in itself absorbed every squeak, like it warded off the outside world for those who were in it’s belly. And the smell, the stench of this place was horrible, chlorine and wax, the smell of hospital brought back bad memories for about anyone, and Ferris was no exception. Taking a deep breath he walked through the enforced glass door within as much as glazing at the nurse and the porter who sat in the room behind him. “Seth?” He said softly as he stepped inside, hearing nothing but the door that swooshed shut behind him.
“Seth?” He asked again, but Seth didn’t as much as blink, let alone let Ferris know he even registered he was in the room. “Would you look at me?” Ferris whispered, when he didn’t get a response, he turned and looked helplessly at the nurse, who just looked back down in her magazine without offering him help. Ferris sighed, guess she was right, guess he was the idiot for coming here at all. He had postponed it for fourteen days, and when he finally did come, Seth’s doctor had pulled him aside and asked him what he thought he would get out of it, and if it wasn’t just prolonging the inevitable. Why indeed.. he had to see Seth, he had to know for sure he hadn’t been dreaming.
Looking at Seth now was very different than he ever remembered it to be. Once this man who now looked lost within himself, had made his heart pound and his knees get weak with just a smile. Once he had held on to him, or rather the idea of him, for dear life. And now he couldn’t help but to feel he had not only lost the battle, but the war as well. And right now he wasn’t even sure why he had come here at all. Maybe the doctor had been right, maybe it was a huge mistake.
He smiled sadly to himself, as a sinking feeling settled in his abdomen. He didn’t need to voice his goodbye, he just turned and was about to buzz the comlink so he could be let out again. When he heard a voice behind him.
“Did you just come?” Seth asked a little confused? “I’m sorry.” He said, embarrassment evident in his tone. “I guess I zoned out, these damn shots they give me, steals half my day like that.” He stepped closer to Ferris. “I didn’t mean to ignore you, if that is what you think.”
Ferris turned around, only to be met with Seth’s arms around him, holding him tight, and for a moment he panicked, recalling Izzy soaked in his blood, dead by the same hands that now held him tight. “Let me go!” He mumbled, struggling in Seth’s hold. “Seth!”
Seth instantly let go and looked at Ferris confused, and hurt. “Did I do something wrong?” He asked softly, wringing his hands nervously. “Did I startle you?”
Ferris felt like crying, knowing why he was here, and seeing the hurt in Seth’s eyes, from nothing more than a rejection for a hug. “Yeah, you just startled me.” Ferris said with a slight smile.
Closing his eyes, Ferris wrapped his arms around Seth, trying to imprint everything, down to the smallest thing, the feel of Seth’s arms, the pace of his breath, the feel of his stubbles, and the scent of him. Realising that this would never happen again. And suddenly he tried to convince himself that it didn’t have to be like that, even if he knew rationally that it had to be like this.
“That’s good.” Ferris said incenserely.
“Uhm..” Seth smiled a little awkward, “I don’t recall coming here.. I.. Did you call them?” He looked down at the space between his feet. “I hope I didn’t hurt you, or scare you.”
“You didn’t hurt me.” Ferris said, swallowing an emotional lump, no one bothered to tell him why he was here, when he obviously didn’t recall?
“Good.” Seth said, looking out at the nurse. “Ferris? What did I do?” still looking out. “They all seem so skittish, I think I did something bad, but they won’t tell me. Says there is no need for me to know, it won’t help me recover.”
“Then it’s probably right.” Ferris said, avoiding the real question.
Ferris nodded. “A very long time, I’m afraid.” He said with a tiny voice. “I’m sorry..” He shrugged. “I actually came here to tell you something, now that I am here I just don’t know how to tell you..”
Seth just stared at him.
Seth frowned, concerned “What are you saying?” He whispered.
“I’m leaving.” Ferris spurted out. “I am going with Tal and my mother to live with my family, I..” He paused and looked at Seth who was just standing there, looking at him, biting his lip not to cry. “I simply can’t wait for you this time.”
Ferris scowled. “I am not giving up.” He banged his hand into the enforced glass in pent up anger. “You gave up on me, a long time ago Seth.. I have been waiting for you to come around for the better side of a year. And you did nothing, you just crushed me more and more under your weight, making sure I would stay.”
“Oh really?” Ferris sneered, “I know you felt it, I know you weren’t surprised when we stopped having sex, we even stopped kissing, you hardly spoke to me in the last couple of months. You knew I would turn it against myself, didn’t you? You knew I would ask myself what I did wrong to turn you away from me, I cried myself to sleep asking myself what I could do to make you love me again.” Ferris sucked in his breath, fisting his hands.
“Are you listening to yourself?” Seth growled, “You shied from my touch, what was I supposed to do?” He shook his head, “I left you alone because I thought you wanted it that way, don’t you think I missed your presence?”
The hospital porter smiled at Ferris. “I am going to stay in here, you won’t even notice I’m here.”
Ferris looked at the porter and at Seth, “I’m sorry I banged the glass, but..”
“Hospital policy Sir.” The porter said with a slight shrug.
“Ah okay.” Ferris nodded.
“Not if you’re agitated.” The porter stated drily.
“I’m not fucking agitated, or whatever it is you think” Seth yelled angrily.
“Just shut the fuck up. Don’t make this worse than it already is, man.” Ferris hissed, facing Seth.
“What?..HOW can this possibly be worse?” Seth howled.
“Yeah or I could get a heartattack!” Seth rolled his eyes, but lowered his voice, receiving a little smile from the porter who went and sat down in the sofa.
Seth took a deep breath, looking away from Ferris’ unforgiving, uncompromising glare. “I’m sorry.” He mumbled, “It’s just..”
Seth just stood rooted to the spot and understood nothing of what was going on. “Why are you angry with me?” He wet his lips, “I don’t understand..”
Ferris sighed. “All that matters is that you are going to be here very, very long, Seth. And I can’t spend my life waiting for you, had you asked me to wait for just two years ago, I would have. But not this time.”
Ferris raked a hand through his hair before he continued. “I thought I could help you, I thought my love was so true and right that it would make all the difference, that you could guide yourself by it. But in the end it was me giving you everything I had, and you sucking it up like a fucking vortex. You made me feel less worth than any john I ever had” Ferris shook his head, “The well just run dry, I have nothing more to give.”
Seth stared helplessly at Ferris. “You should have told me, I made you miserable.”
“Of course I would.” Seth argued with a tiny voice, knowing that he most likely was kidding himself.
“No you wouldn’t. You are so absorbed in your own guilt and selfloathing that you would never register that you hurt the ones who loved you.”
“No you don’t. And you never will.” Ferris angrily, annoyed wiped newly formed tears from his eyes. “I never said I didn’t love you, I do. So much more than you will ever comprehend. But I have to find a way to do without, this is no longer a question of a broken heart, it’s a matter of my mental survival.”
“I love you too.” Seth said, raising his hand to caress Ferris, but let his hand fall useless to his side. “Take care Ferris, and I hope you find someone who will give you as much as you are giving them.” He smiled sadly. “I really do.”
Ferris shuffled his feet. “Thank you.” He mumbled, “I hope you find someone who can.. can.. Just take care Seth.”
“Oh Ferris?” Seth said, “Seth told me to tell you, he’s sorry he lost the battle.” A smile came to Seth’s lips as he heard Ferris steps stop for a moment. Seth shrugged. “I’m sure he sort of always knew he would. Terribly resilliant that little pissant.”