Characters: Seth, Ferris, Rayne.
Summary: Seth suddenly summons Ferris to Crystal towers
Warnings: language, adult situations.
AN: If you want to have a little ‘inside’ knowledge on what made Seth call Ferris, you can read this little 3 chapter story. STATIC – Sorry for the slow update, RL and Torchwood just kinda consumed my time. Uhm if you want to listen to the tune where i picked the lyrics from, you can find it here //Lamb – Cottonwool, fila remix // This tune just makes me all mushy, i used to listen to that album all the time when i was pregnant with my first baby, and i know i danced her to sleep to this tune too.
You could stay here
Make your home here
I could wrap you up in cotton wool
Here’s somewhere you could let your love
Run free come and give your soul a resting place
Finding someome is like finding yourself a home
If the key fits – just open the door
Where’s your love
Let me in
To find the warm fire
That I know is there inside you
Let me in – it’s cold outside
And I’ll grow there
Find that place deep down inside you
And I could stay there
Make my home there
You could wrap me up
In cotton wool
Ferris had been puzzled as Seth suddenly had phoned him and expressed that he needed to see him right away. Ferris had not even looked at the clock, he had just sprinted out the door and hailed a taxi, he found it really odd really, that he had waited for what seemed forever for Seth to even recognize that he wanted to visit. Seth had stopped all communication some days prior to this mysterious phonecall. And Ferris knew he should be thrilled that Seth finally wanted to see him, had asked for him. But in reality he was just worried, wondering what it meant.
When he arrived he was ushered upstairs to where the meeting room was, he was met by nurse Rayne who he had met before. She looked very serious and slightly tired. “Good to see you again” she said with a warm smile, shaking Ferris’ hand.
Ferris just nodded, completely unable to remember even the simplest polite etiquette. “What’s wrong?” He finally spurted out.
“Nothings wrong” Rayne said, but her stiff smile told Ferris she was lying.
“Cause he called me at four in the morning telling me to get here right away” Ferris said slow and clear, to point out to the nurse that he was tired of being horsed around.
“Kane?” Ferris asked with a disengaged smile.
“No” Rayne said her voice steady and serious, “Not even as a kid, when he came here did he act like this, he seemed more lost, but on the same hand he seemed to accept it” She sighed deeply, “This time we had him on 24 hour watch since you brought him in, if he didn’t hurt himself, then he would trick the orderlies to do it for him” She placed a hand on Ferris’ shoulder, “I know Seth, and I think he punished himself for not doing right by you”
“Oh” Ferris just breathed. “So it ‘is’ me then?” He looked down at the floor, shoulders slumped. “I asked him over and over if it was something I had done, and he kept lying, saying it wasn’t” he whispered. “I knew he lied though, I could feel it” His voice trailed off into silence.
“Ferris” Rayne said softly, “Look at me” Ferris looked up at her with a little sad smile. “You did nothing wrong” Rayne said motherly, “Its not something you did, but I think that Seth is driving himself into the ground with fear that he would hurt you, or be the reason that you were hurt by someone else”
“..But..” Ferris mumbled, “I like to believe we were happy.. I..”
“Maybe that was what triggered Seth” Rayne said softly, stepping closer to Ferris. “Look, I am not supposed to discuss any patient with you, not even Seth, but I think you need to know.” Rayne took a deep breath, “He always carried the world on his shoulders, and he can’t sustain it, if you know what I mean. He will always beat himself for not being enough, always afraid that he is missing something important.” Her voice dropped to a whisper, “He carries guilt that you and I can’t even imagine, even if its all just in his head, then its quite real to him, even if it seems silly to you and me”
“So what you’re telling me is that he feels guilty for being happy? that makes no sense” Ferris answered.
“It’s just a theory Ferris” Rayne said with a disarming smile, “I am not to doctor” She turned her head and nodded towards the room behind him, “You better get going, I’ll be right here if you need anything, and the alarm button is on the wall next to the window to the yard”
Ferris nodded and politely shook Rayne’s hand once more before she buzzed him through to Seth. Ferris lit up in a happy smile, ignoring that Seth looked mostly like he spent half a year at Gulac, “Hey baby” Ferris cheered.
Seth smiled back however more guarded. “Hey handsome”
“So what’s up?” Ferris asked, “Are you alright?”
“Of course I did” Ferris said with a smile, stepping closer to Seth, slightly bewildered when Seth took a step backwards.
“I have to tell you something first” Seth said in a serious tone, “It’s important that you listen, and keep an open mind, okay?”
“Sure” Ferris said, slightly worried that Seth would start on one of his speeches that just made him sound like he was completely bonkers.
“First off I think you are entitled to an apology, and I really mean that, I thought I could keep my nightmares at bay if I pushed you away, I was so sure that my past was coming for you as well, and had so I had to distance myself from you, and I am terribly sorry that I hurt you, cause I know I did” When Ferris just swallowed an emotional lump, but said nothing, Seth continued, “I could feel it stirring, numbing me, I was so scared that I would hurt you if I loved you, so I forced myself to stay indifferent.. I.. I tried so hard not to love you”
Ferris cleared his throat, staring at Seth with an unreadable expression. “Y-you could just have told me” He turned his head and looked out the window, into the dark outside. “I would have left if you asked me to” He took a shuddering breath, “I still would”
“No, I honestly don’t, Seth” Ferris spat, regretting his tone the second it had left his lips.
“I thought I could trick the darkness.. I thought that if I didn’t love you, it wouldn’t hurt you.” He paused, “Like it hurt Kane”
“It’s always Kane, isn’t it?” Ferris sneered, suddenly regretting that he had come here at all. “When will you understand? I am not him, I wont ever ‘be’ him.” Ferris stomped his foot in frustration, “It’s unfair Seth! I can’t compete with a dead boy”
Seth just stared at Ferris, watching his tantrum. “You got it all wrong” Seth finally said with a disappearing low voice. “You are not competing with anyone.” He took a deep breath, “I tried to not love you, so I could keep you safe, because that I ‘do’ love you” Seth shook his head, knowing how stupid it sounded. “I still don’t know if it was me who did all those horrible things, and I guess I was afraid that loving you would open some unwanted door to something deep inside of me, something feral and deadly”
Ferris rose a brow, not sure if he should laugh or cry. Laugh cause all he wanted for weeks was to see Seth, and now he was here, and cry cause what came out of his mouth sounded completely insane.
“I realised that I failed, I couldn’t bring myself to sever the last ties” Seth smiled softly, “Remember that movie Constantine? We saw that in the cinema, right?” Ferris nodded. “Why couldn’t he get into heaven? remember?”
“Don’t know” Ferris whined.. “Seth for fucks sake, tell me I didn’t come all this way for a movie analysis, man.”
Seth let out a breath he had been holding in and patiently continued. “Because everything he did, was selfish. He wanted to save himself, nothing more nothing less, and that was why he helped God, he wanted a ticket into heaven, for the sole reason to not end up in hell”
“Please Seth” Ferris whined loudly, tossing his arms up in the air in frustration. “I don’t care about some stupid movie, what I ‘am’ interested in knowing is if you want me to leave you alone or not” Ferris shook his head in denial. “You know what? I don’t need this shit. I gave you everything, and here you are telling me that you don’t give a crap. I’m sorry Seth, but fuck you” He brushed past Seth to knock on the door and attract Rayne’s attention.
“Wait!” Seth yelled, grabbing Ferris’ arm, holding on tight. “Please listen Ferris. What I am trying to tell you is that I did what I did cause I thought it would keep you safe, but too late I realised that it didn’t work, cause I tried not to love you, out of love. Don’t you see?”
Ferris stood completely still, and finally relaxed, “Not really, but I suppose it makes some kind of warped sense”
“I really want to explain it, but I wouldn’t know how.” Seth said, still holding on to Ferris’ arm. “I did all the wrong things for all the right reasons, and what I called you here for was forgiveness, I am sorry Ferris, I am so terribly sorry I dragged you through all that.” He pulled Ferris closer, “What makes this so damn hard is that I don’t even know the size of my opponent, is it really something from the outside? Or is it something inside me? I don’t know how to keep you safe from something I don’t even know what is.”
“So..” Ferris whispered, “Why did you try to.. to.. ehm..”
“I figured that if there were no battleground, there would be no fight” Seth answered.
“What?” Ferris blinked confused.
“If I was not around, then there would be nothing to hurt you” Seth answered straight out.
“Relax” Seth looked straight at Ferris, “I am sure you would find a way, you are the strongest survivor I ever met”
“That’s not true” Ferris mumbled, cursing that he felt ridiculously close to tears. “My whole life I have been waiting, looking for someone who would really listen instead of just waiting for their time to talk, pretending to be interested, someone who would really see me for me, and would love me for what I have instead of what I lack, and that someone is you. If you take that away, I have nothing. So don’t you ‘dare’ telling me what to feel or what I am!”
Ferris smiled back, and nodded. “Promise me one thing”
“The next time you feel like saving me from ghosts in the corners of your mind, warn me?” Ferris said softly.
“I promise” Seth whispered, wrapping his arms around Ferris, holding him tight.
“I know” Seth mumbled, “I know”