Characters: Seth, Adam, Rayne.
Rating: M+ (I mean it!)
Summary: Seth tells Adam why he’s back at Crystal Towers.
Warnings: language, adult situations, mentioning of suicide attempt, blood & violence.
AN: Remember Adam Sweet? the kid that Seth met at Crystal Towers? just wanted to make you aware that we met him before. And in case you wonder about the scab on his nose, then I saw several people who will pick their skin apart in wards like that, anti psychotics and anti depressants (and the like) tends to give really bad skin to begin with. And its about here reality blends with fantasy, cause I am making shit up as I go along. Oh yeah, the prompt is uhm.. yeah.. I was thinking of winter/coldness in the heart. About the abusive language, its just the way these two communicate, that’s why i bolded the language warning, cause its quite heavy on the colourful phrases.
Oh, it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it’s not enough
To make it all okay
You can’t play on broken strings
You can’t feel anything
That your heart don’t want to feel
I can’t tell you something that ain’t real
The truth hurts and lies worse
Suggested soundtrack: // Grendel – Hate this //
AN2: No I didn’t listen to James Morrison, I just like the lyrics, like I do with so many other songs that I quote xD I listened to Grendel writing this hahaah
Seth was watching some game show on the tv, he didn’t really understand what it was about, not that he had to, it was all about close ups, and the attractive assistant’s cleavage. “You’re back, huh?” Adam grinned as he let himself fall unceremoniously down into the couch. “Did you miss having a nurse to assist you while you take a piss so much, you had to get your ass transferred back up here at Maximum” He turned and grinned at Seth.
Seth took a deep breath, “As long as he’s cute, and don’t mind holding it for me.” Seth pushed Adam playfully, “Or maybe I just missed drooling in my morning coffee.”
Adam stared at his old friend with a slight shake of his head, and a loud, short laugh. “What did you do, you fucking stupid homo?”
Adam laughed “You’re such a fucking liar.” He studied Seth’s face intensely, “The nurses stitch you up pretty good huh? Judging from that, I say you came directly from the restraints, in the solitary”
“Maybe I did” Seth mumbled, staring off at the tv screen again.
“I say you banged yourself up pretty bad, or did the orderlies lend you a helping hand?” Adam said, keeping on pushing Seth for the answer.
Seth turned and looked at Adam, and coldly answered, “Little of both I suppose.”
“Why the hell would you wanna do that?” Adam asked clearly puzzled.
Adam nodded, and after watching the commercials in silence, he turned to Seth again, “So really, why are you back here?”
“She’s back” Seth just stated, not needing to say more since Adam clearly remembered the talks they had as teens. “I don’t want history to repeat itself” Seth whispered, “I can’t let her hurt Ferris, I can’t deal with going through all that once more. No I refuse to live through something like that ever again.”
“So you got yourself locked in here?” Adam said with a worried smile, “Shit! that’s the dumbest plan I ever heard, and that is saying a lot!”
“I didn’t plan on ending here!” Seth argued hushed, knowing that he had said too much, judging from Adam’s expression, the questions would never end. So with a sigh Seth mumbled, “Ferris wasn’t supposed to get home that early, had he just done as he said he would, then I wouldn’t be sitting here.” scratching his neck nervously, Seth continued, “I planned it like that, I wanted for my dad to take Ferris out, leaving me home alone. I.. I.. I ate whatever tranquillizers I had laying about, downing it with Ferris’ stupid vodka. And went to get a knife in the kitchen, my initial idea was to slice my jugular, but I guess I was chicken shit or something, so I just slit my wrist instead.” Involuntarily Seth rubbed his left wrist. “I guess I cut too deep, cause I couldn’t hold the knife with that hand, and had to give up on the other wrist”
Adam opened his mouth to speak, but Seth answered his question before he had a chance to ask it. “I had told myself I would go die in the bedroom, but I couldn’t get up, and well, the kitchen was as good as any place to snuff it, easy to clean and all..” Seth looked down at his thighs, fiddling his hands idly. “I wanted it like that. I thought that if I was gone, then ‘she’ wouldn’t hurt Ferris, or my dad. But Ferris apparently called an ambulance.. and.”
Adam just stared at Seth wide eyed, listening.
“I remember laying there being wheeled into a room full of people. I could hear Ferris cry and scream at people outside, apparently he was asked to leave cause he was not family” Seth hung his head, “I remember I wept. The doctors thought it was because I was scared like Ferris, that I didn’t really want to die, they properly thought it was some gay triangle drama shit, cause they kept wiping my tears away calling me sweetheart and telling me it would be okay. But I cried because I failed, and I cried because Ferris sounded so fucking frightened, I could hear it in his voice outside the room. But really then I’m such an idiot, I can’t even fucking die properly” Seth’s voice was a bitter sneer.
“Seth for fucks sake” Adam mumbled.
Now that he had started on the tale, it actually felt good to talk, and so Seth wet his lips. “I was too weak to fight them when they first stitched me up, and I think I fainted at some point, or they put me out, I don’t know. But when I woke again, both my dad and Ferris was sitting at my side, Izzy was sleeping in a chair, and Ferris leaned in over the bed, holding on to my bandaged hand. Funny part is that I was really happy that they were there and I was glad to see that Ferris had managed to get past the doctors and nurses.” Seth smiled to himself, “Not that I doubted he would tho”
“You really are a selfish bitch, do you know that?” Adam said with a disapproving shake of his head. “And besides there is no way of knowing of she will get them anyway, is there? Sounds like your dad and your boyfriend love you very much, then why don’t you? Love them, and yourself a little.”
“I .. I.. can’t.” Seth answered with a tiny voice, “But what good will that love do them? they will just end up dead like Kane if I dared to love them back.” Seth rubbed his face with his hands, “I often asked myself why she kept me alive and killed the others, now I think I know why”
“Really?” Adam asked.
“Yes” Seth whispered, “As I lay there looking at Ferris sleeping with his head on my mattress, looking pale and exhausted, I realised it. It will never stop. For as long as I care for anyone, she will take them from me” Seth’s voice rose a octave, “And it stops here! I refuse to let any more people loose their life because of me”
Adam nodded understanding. “I see”
“I watched Ferris sleep for a moment, he looked so drained and I knew it was all my fault. I know he loves me, he tells me that on daily basis, even when I stopped touching him in any way for months, he would still kiss me on my cheek and tell me he loved me. And I was too afraid to love him back.” Seth admitted timidly, “And then I realised it! right there in that moment. I do love him, I love him so much I don’t even know where to begin. And in that moment I wanted nothing more than to wake him and tell him just that.”
“You seriously never told your boyfriend that you love him?” Adam asked baffled.
“Yeah, of course I did, but I don’t think I ever meant it like I would have right there” Seth said, slumping slightly in his seat. “Then something inside me just snapped I guess, so I ripped out the tubes and snuck out of the bed, Ferris didn’t notice at first, he was totally passed out from fatigue I’d reckon. So I went to the drawers and searched for something, till I found a scissor, I cut open the bandage, and.. And..” Seth paused, swallowing an emotional lump. “Continued to cut through my flesh, it hurt so much more than I had expected in my drug hazed brain, and I know I screamed, screamed while cutting up muscle, flesh and whatever. No surprise that I woke both of them, Izzy ran out the door right away to fetch help, and poor Ferris he stayed behind trying to make me give him the scissor, but instead of listening, I lunged out after him with the blood covered scissor, forcing him to step away from me. For some reason I remember blood splatter hit his face, it must have been mine.”
“damn” was all Adam could muster.
“I knew I had to ignore him and hurry up, ripping everything so much apart that they couldn’t stop it” Seth said more calmly. “I guess I was more focused on my task than on Ferris, cause he suddenly knocked me out cold, I actually think he chipped one of my teeth.” Seth laughed softly. “And when I woke again, I was alone with a nurse, and it took me some time to realise that I was back here under 24 hour surveillance, I was furious and tried to get up, but failed to realise that I was too weak and too drugged, and fell over as I got out of bed. startling the nurse and he instantly pushed the button, and in frustration, anger and in apathy I guess, I banged my head in the floor, over and over and over, till I fainted” Seth shrugged, “And that’s why I’m here, they put me under suicide watch, and the only place they have personal for that is here at this ward.”
“I might be certified crazy.” Adam said. “But I don’t believe you really wanna die, you sound more desperate than depressed” He turned his head and looked at Seth again, searching the other man’s eyes for the answer. “You do realise that if you keep this up, they will just give you electro therapy” Adam smiled sadly, “Perfect remedy for anger management and depression. A wonder drug for suicidal tendencies”
Seth nodded thoughtfully. “They did that the last time I was here, its no biggie” He lied.
“Have you talked to either your dad or your butt buddy since?” Adam asked.
“Yeah, I spoke over the phone with both, but I don’t think I want to talk to either of them anymore, you have no idea how hard it is to keep them believing that I am batshit paranoid, never telling either what is really going on, that is called lying Adam. And I hate it! I hate listening to Ferris suck in his breath so I can’t hear that he’s crying over the phone, and then filling him with that garbage?! No Adam, no its just not alright!”
“Maybe” Seth admitted with a soft smile. “And that is exactly why I have to let them go, push them both away, so much they just give up and move on”
“It’s a crap plan, Singer” Adam chuckled amused.
“Yeah, well its the only one I have” Seth admitted lamely.
“What? There is a movie that starts after the commercials, can’t we watch that?” Adam whined.
“No can do, Mr. Sweet” Nurse Rayne said with a overbearing smile, “And where is your shirt? You know you can’t go around half dressed here”
“I was hot” Adam stated childish. “Come on, Nurse Rayne! Just this once?”
“Nope” Nurse Rayne said flatly, “Now come on, and don’t make me have the orderlies come and help me, please boys”
“It’s eight o’clock, woman” Seth complained with a sneer. Knowing the rules, he chose to challenge her on them anyway, because all he really wanted was to have a giant shot of tranquillizer so he could sleep for twenty hours non stop.
“Seth, stop” Nurse Rayne said in a warning tone. “Or else”
“Calm yourself, Seth” Rayne said, and then addressed Adam. “What did you say to him?”
“Nothing” Adam mumbled, transfixed on the movie that started.
“Adam?” Rayne asked in a more abiding tone.
“Might have mentioned what a cute ass you have” Adam shrugged, “Not like he would care, cause he’s a faggot” He briefly looked up at Rayne and smiled, “I swear!”
Seth suddenly stood up, taking a step towards Rayne, who instantly reached for her alarm, that would call the orderlies from around the ward to the recreation room. Seth smiled as he dashed past her, “Maybe you should get yourself another job, if you spook that easily” he said amused.
“No I know” Seth laughed, “It’s like walking through customs saying you have a bomb up your ass, everyone knows its bullshit, but they have to take you seriously anyway”
Rayne frowned, “Are you gonna be a good boy and take your pills now then?”
Seth shook his head, still smiling, “Nope.” And with a quick move he pushed Rayne backwards, causing her to stumble. He was watching her, as she reached for her alarm, pushing the button, calling the orderlies, with amusement.
With mock horror Seth grinned, “Oh no Nurse Rayne, please don’t send me to the basement, and dope the fuck out of me, anything but that!” he flailed his arms to prove his point, still smiling.
Rayne looked over her shoulder as the orderlies came into the room. “You do realise this will cost you your visit Monday, right? And I have to report another incident with you being obstinate again, to Dr. Roth.”
“I’m counting on it” Seth said softly, the smile gone from his lips. “And while your at it, take away my phone privileges too” He reached out and grabbed Rayne’s neck with one hand before she could react. Seth looked from her to the orderlies and back to Rayne again. “I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DARE YOU, BITCH!” He screamed into her face, pushing her backwards as he let go of her throat. Taking a deep breath before the orderlies reached him.
Rayne stood and watched as Seth was fighting a lost battle to get free from the much larger orderlies, swearing, kicking and screaming. The orderlies had to eventually carry him out of the room like that, since none of them had brought anything to tranquillize him with. “Are you okay Mrs Rayne?” One of the orderlies asked, as they dragged Seth away, “I’m fine Otis, don’t worry about it”
Adam came and stood next to Rayne, watching as Seth was carried away, apparently in a furious rage fit, like a caught animal. But Adam knew better, he knew it was all show, because all Seth wanted was to sleep the next week away, sleep had to be the next best thing to not existing, right? “Nurse Rayne?” Adam cleared his throat. “I’d like my pills now, please”
Rayne rubbed her neck where Seth had squeezed it. “Of course Adam” She croaked, “Come with me” They walked out into the hall towards the nurses station, the hallways echoed of Seth’s voice, “Let go of me you pussyfaced cunts, I can walk!” and Otis’ deep voice that answered, “Shut the fuck up, Singer. And take it like a man”