warnings: oh my, strap on your big girl hat, and expect just about anything nasty.
rating: M+ (text not worksafe, images is.)
au: Well time for the thick to plotten, this was a ridiculously hard chapter to write because I have to make sense without having a fucking clue what I am talking about. So if there is anyone out there who is victims of incest, and who thinks I portrayed this wrong. Remember this is fictive, written by a person who had to google it, and use my common sense for the rest. And apart from that I made my characters into absolutely non “common” incest victims on purpose.
|| he waits for her to understand
but she won’t understand at all
she waits all night for him to call
but he won’t call anymore
he waits to hear her say
but she just drops her pearl-black eyes
and prays to hear him say
I love you
but he tells no more lies. ||
– The Cure ~ Apart.
“Go away.” Helene hissed.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for you to get upset, but you know Ginny, she just..” Camillo said lifting his hand to touch his sister, but as she flinched, let it fall back to his side.
“I just reminded myself why I never see any of you.” She took a deep breath. “I don’t understand what you’re getting out of fucking with my mind like this.”
“Maybe… I don’t know.. Leave me the fuck alone!” Helene screamed, causing Camillo to take a step back.
“Remember you donated the baby your yellow teddy? the one with the rabbit ears?” Camillo asked, hoping he could somehow get though the wall of denial that Helene had chosen to build around her. “I do.” He said softly, “You had a yellow one, and I had a green, remember? Mine had a red bow-tie.”
Helene nodded softly. “I remember Mimsy.” She smiled at the ground, not wanting to look at her brother.
“Do you remember Grey being born?”
“You were there, so was I, and Billy had a hard grip on your arms, forcing you to watch, ‘this is what happens to sluts’ he said.” Rubbing his shoulders from the cold rain, Camillo smiled weakly, “Don’t you remember that?”
Helene sat up and finally looked at her brother, “No.” And then she raked a hand through her hair, looking thoughtful, “You cried.” She whispered. “And I wondered why anyone would cry over a baby.”
“I did.” Camillo nodded.
Helene knitted her eyebrows, “Why did you do that?”
“Because it was all my fault.” Camillo offered lamely. “If I had only done as I had been told, none of that would have happened, and because no living soul deserved to be born in that house.” Camillo bit his lip. “It doesn’t matter now, it’s all a thing of the past.”
“Do.. Do you really still wet your bed?” Helene asked, looking Camillo straight in his eyes, and a glimmer of something showed in her features, something that resembled a snarl, and a memory.
“Sometimes.” Camillo answered honestly. “I got some pills to keep the nightmares away, but they don’t always work, sometimes the nightmares just wants to be heard.”
Helene scooted a little closer, “Your nightmares, what are they about?”
Helene took a deep breath, “I keep having this nightmare, I can hear screaming, I know it is you, but I can’t find you. All doors are locked and…”
Camillo brushed some wet hair out of his eyes, “Do you ever find me?”
“No.” Helene whispered, “I always wake with this feeling, that I need to call you, check up on you. But brush it away as silly, a grown woman being spooked by a nightmare.”
“Does.. does the door in your dreams have two padlocks? and a steel enforced door frame?” Camillo asked looking away from his twin. “Vaguely eroded green.”
“Yes.. Besides the door is eggshell white.” Helene said, staring wide eyed at her brother.
“That’s right, the inside was green, and the outside was white.” Camillo mumbled.
“What are you saying? it’s an actual door?” Helene gasped.
“The door to the basement.” Camillo sighed.
“Remember when Ginny left?” Camillo asked slightly desperate, knowing he had only this one chance to get through to his twin.
“Of course I do.” Helene said, blinking rain out of her eyes.
“Then.. then there were just me. Again.” Camillo breathed, not daring to look up at his sister. “It was my own fault, I made Ginny leave.”
“No one made Ginny do anything.” Helene said, and for the first time in this conversation, empathy snuck into her voice.
“Don’t you see? I am a monster, just like him. He broke my soul. I used to dream of college journalism and a family, now I just dream of pain and death. He took my dreams and my future from me.” Camillo said, his voice hard as steel. “Sometimes he would give me a superman magazine, and a smile, telling me I was a good boy, moments like that made me happy, even if I could still taste him in my mouth, how sick is that?”
“You are not a monster.” Helene soothed. “You are just very confused.. Don’t you think..”
“But I am.” Camillo whispered, cutting Helene off. A awkward silence followed. “Don’t you remember anything at all?”
“Because.. Because, mother wanted it that way.” Camillo whispered. Rubbing his face with his hands, he spoke more to himself than to Helene. “Don’t you touch her, don’t you lay your filthy, horny hands on her, I have seen how you look at her, you disgusting little shit.” he mumbled, “She wasn’t afraid that Billy would hurt you, she was worried about me. And who can blame her?”
“What?” Helene looked at her brother like he had just had a psychotic episode. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
Camillo took a deep breath, gritting his teeth, trying to will his tears away. “mother would give you valium in your evening tea, to make sure you didn’t wake.” Banging the heel of his hand into his forehead, Camillo murmured, “Look at the camera, that’s a good boy.. Did you just vomit? You filthy little.. You ruined the shot, you ruined everything.”
Helene studied the ground between her feet, listening to Camillo apparently repeating sentences from a long time ago. “If it’s true..” She said softly, “Even if dad did do those things to you, it still doesn’t make you a monster, it makes you the victim.”
Camillo shook his head, “How could I do what I did, if I am not a monster? How could I ignore her tears, how could I ignore her broken.. broken…” He paused. Suddenly grabbing Helene’s arm hard, “He started it, but I finished it.” He snarled, with a high pitched desperate tone.
“Finished WHAT?” Helene yelled in his face.
Camillo looked up at Helene, “I raped her, not Billy.. ME! Oh Jesus.. I didn’t know if he had any bullets in that thing or not, but I didn’t protest.” He sucked in his breath and closed his eyes, “Billy never touched her, it was me, shame, fear and lust, mingled into one single feeling.”
Helene just stared at Camillo wide eyed.
“She felt so damn good, dear lord.. I didn’t want her to, but she felt so fucking good, I should have known, I should have stopped.. but..” He looked at Helene, his face red from crying, “I am Grey’s father, not her boyfriend, not Billy. Or any of the stories you were told.. Me!” He sobbed, shaking Helene’s arm. “Look at me, and tell me again that I am not a monster.”
“Y-Yes.” Camillo sniffled, shaking his head slightly in denial of himself, “But I loved her..I”
“And you wrote that in your diary?” Helene asked harshly.
“So help me God, I did.” Camillo whispered.
“No wonder Grey was depressed, finding out his parents was not his parents, that his brother and sister was his parents, and furthermore that he was the product of incestuous rape. How the fuck would you feel about being told something like that?” Helene spat hotly, pushing her crying brother away from her.
Camillo stumbled backwards, regaining his footing.
“You are disgusting.” Helene yelled, “You were the predator all along!”
Camillo watched as Helene stormed off again, wiping his eyes in his wet sleeve as he followed her inside the hospital again.
The door went up, and in came Helene looking flustered, and Camillo looking like someone just kicked him. “Where have you guys been?” Imogen asked, “Mother just went home to get some sleep. So I figured I would stay and..” She paused and looked from Camillo to Helene and back again, “Is something wrong?”
“So.” Helene said icily, a manic smile in place. “If your childhood was that traumatic, and if you really are Grey’s parents, why leave him behind?”
“Please, don’t ask me to answer that.” Camillo breathed, looking over at Imogen for help.
“Oh you got a shitload of explaining to do!” Helene yelled angrily.
“Ginny, please, say something.” Camillo begged.
“What did he tell you?” Imogen asked, smiling softly. “Truth was that Billy might have forced it at first, but in time we would..” Imogen looked up at her siblings and smiled, “Maybe the truth is that we needed each other to stay sane. Or maybe we rebelled, telling Billy in our own way that he didn’t control everything.”
“Don’t you think I told myself that over, and over?” Imogen said calmly, “Do you think it’s the sort of thing I would tell Thomas over dinner? Oh by the way honey, I have a child with my own brother.” She smiled bitterly, “I know it’s not what you wanted to hear, but you need to get with the fucking program, and stop denying everything.”
“So why did you run? Leaving us behind.” Helene asked softly, bitterly.
“Don’t give me that shit, Ruben!” Helene spat. “I am her sister, and your twin, didn’t you think of me?”
Camillo took a deep breath, “You were the reason I stayed as long as I did, don’t you know that?” He reached for his sister who stepped to the side to avoid his touch. Camillo hung his head, knowing he deserved it. “I love you Helene, you know I do.”
“You love me like you love Imogen?” Helene hissed, swatting Camillo’s hand away as he reached for her again.
“No.. I.. Please don’t say that.” Camillo started.
“Helene, don’t be so hard on him, he did what he had to do, as did I.” Imogen said, getting up from her chair.
“Is that so?” Helene huffed, never taking her eyes off Camillo.
“But you did! You abandoned us!” Helene stomped in the floor, frustrated.
“All I ever wanted was to write love stories, tell me, how do you write a love story, when you don’t know how to love?” Camillo said in an insisting tone.
“You just said that you loved us.” Helene argued.
“That wasn’t love.” Imogen whispered barely audible behind Helene., “That was survival.”
“Helene!” Imogen yelled, “Get your head out of your ass!” She stared at her sister, “Frankly then your weak attempt of denial makes me wanna barf, you remember it all if you just allowed yourself to deal with it, instead you drown yourself in psycho women to keep you from connecting to anything, and most of all yourself.”
“What the..” Helene gasped.
“Remember prom night?” Camillo said loudly, sharply, to shut up Imogen. “I didn’t want to go, and you were picked up by what-was-his-name.”
“Morgan.” Helene said sounding tired, and defensive.
“We were at the kitchen while mother was looking for the camera, and you told me that the reason why I didn’t wanna go was because I couldn’t get a date, I remember you and that bloke having a laugh, you said the girls thought I was creepy. Remember that?” Camillo said softly, keeping any shade of accusation out of his voice.
Camillo smiled a little timid, “Then do you remember where I was the next morning?”
Helene bit a nail, thinking. “Here, you were at Mercy.”
“Right.” Camillo nodded gently.
Ginny looked at her brother, not sure she wanted to hear about what had happened after she left, she had willed herself to think that it ended the second she left, even if she rationally knew it didn’t.
“Fell down the stairs.” Camillo said so softly they could barely hear it. “Broke my collarbone and my left hand.”
“I remember that retarded collar thing you had to wear that autumn.” Helene mumbled, crossing her arms over her chest, looking slightly accusing at her brother.
“He pushed you down the stairs?” Imogen finally asked.
“No.” Camillo scratched his hand nervously, “I jumped from our bedroom window, hoping I would break my neck.”
“Why would you do something that stupid?” Helene asked angrily, but her voice was trembling, as bits and pieces of what she had repressed surfaced. “You should have told me! I would have come with you! We could have taken Grey too!”
“I..” Camillo sighed, “I was 14 for fucks sake, I knew you would be fine, and I didn’t know the first thing about caring for a baby. What the hell did you want me to do?” He looked shyly over at Ginny, “All my attempts of ending it myself failed, and I slowly came to the conclusion that either I was meant to die by Billy’s hands, or God had a greater plan with me. Can you blame me for wanting to believe the latter? It was the last shred of self-preservation that made me run, not because I wanted to abandon you like you think.” He bit his lip and looked down at Grey, “I chose not to think about leaving him to the same fate as me.” Fisting his hands he drew a shuddering breath, “See? I am nothing but a monster.”
“Stop it Ruben, stop beating yourself over it.” Imogen suddenly said, “You were just a kid under constant pressure, and that will either create counter pressure, or you will choose to remove yourself from the pressure.” She shrugged, “It’s basic child psychology.”
“Isn’t that lovely Dr. Phil.” Helene huffed, “You left too, so of course you’d say that.”
“You don’t know the first thing about me, we lived different lives. We were born as twins, but apart from that, we’re strangers.” Camillo suddenly growled, taking a step forward, pointing at Helene. “You can call me a liar all you want, but you weren’t the one locked in that damn closet, were you? Only to be dragged down into the basement and have your own father, a person whom should protect you and love you. Fuck you till you wished you would just die, record it and sell it. Were it? No! You went to the mall and slept at friends and did all those things a normal kid would do. And I was just the freak who pissed my bed, wasn’t I? You were embarrassed to even know me!” Camillo hit himself with the ball of his hand again on the temples, “You worried about grades and make-up, I worried about how many stitches I needed, or how to stay invisible.”
Helene stood with her mouth open, fuming in silence.
“My only regret is that I didn’t smother Grey in that pillow, I almost did it, I stood there for ages with the pillow, looking at the baby. I wanted to, I wanted to end his misery before it began, and I was right, wasn’t I?” Camillo cried. “WASN’T I?”
“Some days before I escaped, Billy took that fucking gun of his to my head, and told me that I was getting too old, that no one thought I was a sweet little boy anymore. That he had to make a change of plans, and he had to find some other use for me, now that he spent all those years breaking me in. Do you want to know what he did with that gun afterwards? No?” Ruben’s voice worked itself up higher and higher into a high pitch hysterical tone.
“MY NAME IS CAMILLO!” Camillo screamed, “I ran away, I changed my name, but that bastards is there every time I close my eyes, I tried to forget, but I can’t.” He looked at his sisters, and the pointed out of the room. “That fucking waste of space ruined all our lives in each our way, and he does not even deserve to live.”
“No.” Camillo just muttered, “Go back to Helene and Grey.”
“Stop, please.” Imogen called.
“I don’t know.” Camillo whispered with a trembling voice. “Tell me I am not crazy.”
“You’re not crazy.” Imogen said softly.
“Don’t fucking patronize me.” Camillo frowned.
“Did I.. Did you.. When we.. Did we really make love, or is it all in my head? I’m so confused.” Camillo muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose, “Part of me tells me I would just take out my frustration on you, as a shadow of Billy, but another part of me, tells me that you…” He looked up into the skies, getting rain in his face. “You wanted it too.” He laughed softly, “I sometimes wonder if I am a soulless rapist, or if I just fell in love with my own sister.”
“Ruben, please.. You didn’t fall in love, you were just looking for a way out, like me.” Imogen offered.
“So I really am crazy.” Camillo breathed.
“All the times you invited me, and wrapped me in your softness till I thought I would suffocate. I made love to you every single time.” Camillo took a deep breath, “How can you ever forgive me?”
“Please Ruben, listen to me.” Imogen said softly. “Don’t do this to yourself.. You were nothing like Billy, you were always sweet and gentle, you needed to know that you weren’t hurting me, what kind of rapist would do that? There is not a shadow of doubt in my mind that you loved me.”
“Would you still kiss me like that?” Camillo asked, the sound barely making it past his lips.
“No.” Imogen said. “And let’s just leave it at that.”
Camillo just nodded, his lips a fine line, before he pushed past Imogen and went to look for Helene’s car, the keys dangling in his hand.