je ne t’aime plus mon amour II

Author: azzy
beta: goodbye_sun
rating/warning: none, and its quite emo.
An: Hmmm this drabble turned out a ficlet, and im currently working on the last part (part III)
characters: Cloud & Reno.

je ne t’aime plus mon amour
je ne t’aime plus tous les jours

You impressed me, not that I’d let you know. But you really were sorry, and you prepared all this just for me. The food is crap and the wine even worse, but it matters that you tried, it matters that you thought of me.

You say my name, and I look up from my plate, seeing you in the candle light almost makes me smile, almost. This is how I remember you, smiling and colourful, full of life and yourself. I blink and say nothing, waiting for you to say something more.

”Last night” You start biting your lip, I know you Reno! Whatever comes next is something you don’t know how to say, one can’t pick on you for being over emotional. ”When you, uhm asked me if it was a boy or a girl” You pause and take a deep breath, ”Why did you do that?”

For the fuck of it, I think to myself. ”I don’t remember” I lie. I put down my fork and look you directly into your eyes, you look away. And then it slowly dawns on me, I hit it on the nail! It’s true! You are seeing someone else! But how can you do that? You swore you would love me to the end! You said you had never loved anyone like you loved me! You promised me we would be forever! ”Oh” I hear my own voice whisper.

Why did you bother with the food and the setting just to tell me I am expendable? Couldn’t you just have left a damn memo? Maybe you wanted me to have a last fond memory? I smile acidly to myself, yea right! All I want to do is to get up and go fetch my bag, toss in the few belongings I have and leave, erase every trace of me here in your apartment. And I wish you would stop me like you have before. But this time I know you won’t, I can see it in your eyes. I am to blame for all this, I wanted you to love me as bad as I loved you, and instead it turned stale, we became numb.

”Is that all you have to say?” You ask, looking slightly hurt.

I nod, not really trusting my voice. I won’t let you know how close my tears are. I push away my plate and plant my glass of wine at the middle of the table in some childish defence, like pushing away the cutlery will push you too.

”Don’t” You whine. And a haughty snort erupts from my throat, don’t what? ”Don’t go all silent on me, please would you just say something Cloud! Anything!”

I raise an eyebrow as I shake my head, I don’t know why I shake it, if its because I wont say anything, or if its in disgrace over you or me…I simply don’t know. Its possibly all three. My heart feels heavy and giddy at the same time. I can hear the clock in the kitchen tick, and I hear your breath come in little quick huffs. Enough! ”The end of times came awful quick, didn’t it?” I say softly and controlled.

You look away from me again, ”I didn’t mean for any of us to get hurt” You say, and I can hear that your voice is strained with emotion, maybe you actually mean it, but its just a little late for retrospective phrases. You turn your head again, and this time your eyes flare with anger. ”I can’t live with a ghost, Cloud, I needed someone to make me feel alive.”

So now I’m dead, am I? I nod again, and stand up from my chair, careful not to knock it over. ”It’s alright, Reno” I say, ”I don’t give a shit.” For a second I fear that the lie will scorch my lips, but nothing happens, nothing other than you staring at me like I fell from the moon. Maybe it was no lie, maybe its true that I just don’t care anymore. It feels like the truth, yet it feels like the most horrid of all lies.

You reach out to me, but I don’t react. Its not until you stand up and embrace me that I allow myself to feel. Your smell, your body, your breath, it all is so familiar that it feels like a part of me, and for a second I panic! I can’t even imagine not to have you by my side day and night. I let my head rest on your shoulder.

We are not Siamese twins.

”For what its worth, I’m glad we knew each other” You whisper.

Unwelcome images of you naked, of hotly whispered words in the act of love come to me. I’m gonna miss you, I missed you for a long time, even if you were right here by my side. I almost ask you how long you have been seeing someone else, but I don’t want the answer. I think I know already, I can almost pinpoint the date you suddenly were out of reach. I chose to ignore it, telling myself you had a hard time with some mission, because that I know all about, wanting to tell someone about it, but you don’t because it would be too troublesome too relive it.

”What happened to us, Cloud?” You whisper, holding me tighter.

”Time, I suppose” I whisper back, not even realising I’m holding on to you for dear life.

”I love you” You whisper.

”No you don’t” I whisper back. ”You just don’t like talking to the walls”

You grab my face, holding my head with both your hands, I notice you’re trembling slightly. Looking me directly in the eyes. ”Cloud” You say softly, like a lover. ”Say you’ll stay”

I smile, the first smile I am aware of in months. ”No” I hear myself say equally soft. ”No.. I..” I wonder if you can smell the indecision reeking of me, I want this to last forever so badly! I never realised just how bad I wanted it, needed it.

”Just till tomorrow?” You whisper, your lips brush my ear.

Gods its harder than I thought to decline you. Impossible! One last time, one last kiss, one last fix. ”Go and give your kisses to their rightful owner, and I will pack my stuff and be out by the time you return” I whisper, hearing my voice go murky.

”Cloud, don’t” You whisper.

”It’s alright, I told you already” I whisper back, slowly pushing away from you. You have shown me more feelings in these past minutes than you have in months. Getting caught in the moment I reach up and caress your cheek, ”I never loved you Reno” I withdraw my hand before you can grab it, and look away from your eyes that shine with hurt. I’m not sure if you can see through the lie, but I can’t do this anymore. We can’t keep using each other as a safety blanket.

”Yea, I never loved you either” You say, with the saddest voice I ever heard. What pathetic liars we are.

Walking to the bedroom to retrieve my bag from the top of the closet, I half expect you to stop me, but you don’t. I can hear the chair skid across the floor, and I know you sat down, and from the sound of it, poured yourself some more wine.

I open the closet and pull out what little clothes I have. It is not until now I realise I don’t know where to go. I don’t really care, all I know is that I need to get far far away, and fast. I don’t want to see you ever again, if I walk out now, I want to know nothing of you, I don’t want to meet you with your new lover, knowing that I handed you off like a shirt that has gotten too small. A favourite shirt, one that can never be replaced.

Zipping my bag, I know that all I have left is to walk past you and out the door. A picture of us in a cheap frame stands on the dresser, my hands hover over it, wondering for a moment if I should toss it in my bag. But no! I want no pictures, no memories. I might be able to lie to you, but not to myself, I unzip my bag and toss in the photo in the frame. And as I zip the bag again, it just feels so oddly final, like the me that you knew is gone, like that day where this photo was taken was a daydream. I remember that photo, and I remember that day.

I walk back into the living room, walking up to you, looking at your back, I reach out to touch you, but decide not to. ”Cloud” You mumble, turning in your seat, your eyes red and puffy again, but not from the wine this time. ”I don’t want anyone else but you, why don’t you see that it was you who pushed me away, not the other way around”

I smile sadly, how I wish that was the truth, that you would fight valiantly for me to return to your side. How I wish you would prove your love again. ”If you say so” I hear myself answer in a slightly bitter tone.

”Are you really going then?” You ask, your eyes wide like a child’s.

I nod. ”I am”